Photo Journal - Josie Boettcher

I had a very busy/productive day. I got all the shopping done for Ollie's birthday, did work, put away all the laundry, showered, played outside, and read the Bible. Pretty good for me! Now I'm sitting here getting ready (mentally) for HC tonight, because I don't want to go. I honestly just hate leaving the house at all. I hate that people (that I wouldn't choose) look at me. I know that sounds really weird and kind of crazy, but I hate the way I look and I don't want other people to look at me, except for the people I trust. So any time I'm leaving the house, I have to go through this anxiety of knowing that I'm going to be out there for everyone to see and judge as they will. I also hate not having personal space and we do not have personal space at HC. But whatever! I know it's good for me to be there and healthy for me to be in fellowship, but I'm having one of those nights where I just want to crawl under the covers and disappear. 

We needed a relaxing morning and, although it meant not going to CT...again, we got one. We hung out at home, played outside, finally got our Christmas lights down, did some laundry, and generally just had a nice, chill day. We went to Melis's for dinner, which was a lot of fun, as always. I usually feel a ton of pressure on Sundays to get myself set for the week, but I didn't feel that so much today.  I have been reading through the book of Matthew. I'm really excited about getting a personal study going again. It has been good. Rather than sitting on my phone for an hour and a half in the morning until my brain and body wake up fully, I'm sitting on my phone for 45 minutes or so and then studying. A much better use of my time! So sad how easy it is to just scroll on our phones. I kind of wish smart phones had never been invented. I love being able to text and, like, check the weather and my bank account, but having social media on it is just too tempting and time cons...

Whew, finally Friday. It's been a long week of waiting, dealing with customer service, and experiencing tons and tons of anger and frustration. It's been rough. I wish I could get the whole week back and do it again.  I really didn't want to go out today, because I was in such a bad mood, but we did it! And, again, I'm glad we did. Nearly every time I don't want to go out, but do it anyway, I'm glad I did it. Weird how that works, huh?  So...washer bs. MAN. This is seriously just some crappy crap crap. It obviously didn't get delivered. I got a call at noon and the voicemail said, "We cancelled your delivery. If you have any questions, you can call back." 😳 Huh?? At the end of the four-hour window that we had to wait for our washer we get a call that says the delivery was cancelled with no reason why??? I don't freaking understand. The stress definitely colored my play date with Melis and Naz, but thankfully Ben called to try to handle it and ...

Pizza and a movie night! We rented Clifford the Big Red Dog, which I was kind of skeptical about, but it was really cute. The kids loved it. Except Ollie. She was just going crazy the whole time it was on. 😅 Umm...we still didn't get our washer today. I talked to someone who, at least, seemed to care a little bit. She talked to the delivery company and they said (again) that the washer wasn't loaded onto the truck. She GUARANTEED us that the washer will be delivered tomorrow. We'll see. I'm super upset about having to cancel with Brit and not being able to do the shopping I planned on. This is getting ridiculous.  I got to go to cell group tonight and it was a really fun time. I def didn't feel like going, because I HATE going out at night, but it was good.  haha The picture of Ollie above is actually really cute to me. She said, "Me looking for my sisters!" I'm not sure how the fingers helped...maybe holding her eyelids open?? 😂😂😂 Cracked me up!

Crazy that the week is already half over! Missing Monday at home really has made this week speed by.  Today, Melis and Naz came over for a quick visit. The girls mostly just fought the whole time, so they didn't stay for very long. I think it's been too long since we got together with them. Ollie was acting like a butthead. I did a grocery pick-up and did a little transcribing. BIG DAY! I'm making lasagna for dinner tonight, which I'm really excited about. I'm going to do a bechamel sauce on one half and red sauce on the other. Hopefully the kids will eat it. *fingers crossed* I really, really want to dive back into a personal Bible study. With class, I am getting a lot of Bible-ing in, but it's not between just me and God and I feel like I need that. I honestly cannot wait for this class to be over. I have no idea how I'm going to do on the exam, but man, it's just a lot of work. It's good for us, I think, but it's still really time consuming, e...

I'm mostly out of my terrible depression from last week. I think switching up what we were doing helped me to get into a different head-space. I was distracted and busy for so many days and now that I'm sitting down at home again, although I'm back to feeling a little sad, I don't feel super down. I'm literally doing nothing today. I think that's a good thing. I waited for our new washer to be delivered all morning, but it never came. When I called, they said, "Oh, it looks like they didn't put it on the truck." As if that explains everything and answers all questions. It answered none. I don't care if it was on the truck. When will it be at my house??? They literally never called to tell me it wouldn't be here. They never e-mailed. Nothing. I'm so annoyed and the laundry is piling up. BUT. I got my date for bariatric surgery! I'm getting it done on March 28. I have a ton of appointments to do between now and then, which is a little...

Today was a WILD day. I felt totally spoiled by Alisha, because she filled up the bridal suite with snacks and new jammies and slippers and jewelry for us, but I also felt worried about Alisha, because she was so busy for most of the day...and then she had that crazy allergic reaction to her makeup. Anyway, I don't really want to recap the entire wedding day on this blog. It was good. It was crazy in a lot of ways, but there was a lot of joy and love celebrated today and I'm so thankful I got to be there for it. I got out my real camera to take pictures of all of us ladies getting our hair and makeup done at the suite, but I'm just going to post a couple of Alisha right now, because this day was about her! 

We slept pretty well last night and no hangover today! Hooray! We had a yummy buffet breakfast at the hotel restaurant, I got showered, did my hair and makeup, and then we met Alisha, her aunt and uncle, and her mom and stepdad for lunch at Agape restaurant. OMG. The food was delicious there. I got this turkey melt with turkey bacon and...just wow. It was SO good. I swear, if I'm ever back around Lancaster, I'm going there for lunch again! After lunch, me, Alisha, and her mom met Kayla and Ashley to get our nails done for the wedding. (Ben met Patrick for a couple of beers at a nearby brewery.) I'm really just not that into manicures and pedicures. They're expensive and a little too intimate for me, being touched so much. Anyway, I did the very least and got the basic manicure. Everyone else got manis and pedis and it ended up taking 2 1/2 hours!  By the time we were done, Alisha was super upset and freaking out about the time crunch to get to the rehearsal venue. I wen...

Another super long break between blog posts! I got incredibly depressed last week. Ben got a stomach bug and I just sat like a zombie for days. It's honestly a little scary, how zombie-like I got. Ben would talk to me and it's like I couldn't even hear him. Couldn't focus. Couldn't think. Couldn't answer questions. When I was packing yesterday, I ended up opting not to bring a lot of things that I normally would have brought, because it all just felt like too much. TODAY, though, I'm doing much better. I don't feel like a zombie and I'm honestly not even feeling much anxiety. The drive was good and fast. There was some snow and some tension because of that, but ultimately, it was a good drive. No throw-up or accidents and not very much crying either. We got to dad and marme's and things went smoothly. We unpacked, I got the kid's stuff all settled in, we had delicious Claymont Steakshop pizza for dinner, and then we got on the road to Lancast...

It was another day of just sitting around in constant anxiety, feeling like a waste of space. I'm so thankful for friends that love me, even at my worst, and so thankful for a husband who adores me, even when I feel unlovable. 

Goodness, I just don't know how much to go into. Last night, when I took my contacts out, my eye felt terrible; like it felt on day 3 or so after it was first injured. And as I lay in bed, contemplating what that could potentially mean for me, I spiraled like I haven't in years and basically crashed. I felt like I was looking at a future of surgeries and health complications, looking at eye correction surgery or a lifetime of feeling half-blind wearing glasses. Writing it out makes it not sound so bad, but there was a while when I was thinking I'd rather be dead than face this future. I thought that I should start starving myself, so that I don't have to get weight loss surgery and can save the money for my eyes. I thought about how poor Ben must feel being with me. I felt disgusting, and broken, and unredeemable, and unworthy of anyone's attention or love. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't feel much better. I mean, I'm not quite in that same space, bu...

Holy crap. How have I not updated since Wednesday?  On Thursday, Brit came over and we had a super cute photo shoot with the girlies. Frustratingly, Murphy messed up my backdrop in the 10 minutes he was shut into the back room, which infuriated me. Being furious during the beginning of the photo shoot, I acted like a butthead for like 15 minutes. You know, one of those, "You're going to smile and look pretty...whether you like it or not!" moments. That made it really fun. 😬 Anyway, aside from that, the shoot was actually pretty fun. Friday was a real treat, let me tell you. Clemi woke up with a belly ache and a fever, so we kept her out of school. She is not a kid to try to stay home from school. She hates missing school. So we were a little worried, but it seemed pretty mild, so we had her sit on the couch on a sheet and take it easy for a while. And then she proceeded to vomit several times throughout the day, all the while clutching her stomach and moaning about how ...

I wonder how I'm going to see myself when I look back on this blog and read all of my complaining bs. Maybe I'll be even more whiny by then and I'll think, 'Wow! I was such an optimist back then!' 🤷  Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better today. My throat barely hurts at all and my eye is feeling tons better. I'm so relieved! Speaking of throats though, I am worried about Clemi's. So...when my parents were here a couple of weeks ago, I got Clemi to the doctor for the second time in two weeks about her swollen tonsils and the red spots on them. She finally tested positive for strep and took an antibiotic for 10 days (she hated it, btw!). The antibiotic ended three days ago, but her tonsils are still swollen and there are still red spots on them. I DO NOT want to take her out of school and pay a THIRD $30 copay to try and figure out what is going on with her throat, but I feel like a negligent parent not doing anything at all. Her throat clearly is not entirely...

My eye is recovering pretty well. It still hurts quite a bit when my eyelid is closed, but I can barely notice the discomfort while my eye is open, which is a big improvement. The cut on my finger keeps splitting open and dripping blood more profusely than I would have ever imagined for a silly little cut on a finger. 😭 AND my throat is starting to hurt! I was really hoping it was connected to the extra eye dripping and pain, but I have no idea. I'll have to see how that progresses tomorrow. 🙄 So annoying. Colds are SO ANNOYING. I never used to feel like life had to pause until a cold ended, but ever since COVID, that's kind of our reality. Hate it!  I did not take any pictures today. I honestly just spent the day sitting on the couch with Ollie, running to Walmart, working, going to my doc appointment (I got prescribed an as needed anxiety med), and cleaning up. Not very exciting or creative. BUT these adorable pictures are from this day last year and I think they're wor...

This was the Monday-est Monday ever. Seriously. Just a bad one. It really started last night around 11pm, when I took my contacts out and suddenly felt a very sharp pain in my eye. I struggled to sleep all night, because I was in so much pain. Around 2:30, Ollie woke up and wanted to come in our room. I went in and told her it wasn't time to get up yet, but she was wiiiidddee awake and stayed up until 3:45, coming into my room around 3:30...uninvited. 😑 I got her back down and slept badly the rest of the night. So, Ollie was cranky today and so was I! I made an appointment with my eye doctor to figure out why I am in such intense pain and, after checking it, she said that I ripped off some of my cornea when I took my contact out last night. It is fast healing and should feel a lot better by tomorrow, but because there are so many nerves in the eye, a small injury can be very painful. AND I'm not supposed to wear my contacts for a couple of days, even though the contacts actual...

Every time we bring up the trip to DE in a couple of weeks, I start feeling like I'm going to throw up, or have a heart attack, or die or something. I can't even imagine how I'm going to say goodbye to my kids (honestly, Ollie in particular) for two days. 😳 I should be excited, but I'm just freaking out. I've only left Ollie for one overnight in her entire life and even that time was tough. She was a lot younger then, though (like 8 months??), and much less attached. Nowadays, she cries that I'm leaving her and begs me to come back when I put her down for her nap. I know I need to remind myself of why this is good and how it's important for her to be flexible and open to being with other adults than just ME. This IS good. I'll be there for a long-time friend and Ollie will spend the weekend with her grandparents, who love her and are so good to her. But I think it might be time to get myself some Prozac, because I am struggling!  We went outside for a l...

SNOW DAY PT. 2 - SUCKS. Oh my gosh. Someone take my kids back to school! I don't even care if it's empty. Just get them out of here. 😅 It's not quite that serious, but it was a rough one for me. Just sensory overload. Constant noise, fighting, crying, needing, whining, wanting. It's a hard thing for me to handle. This summer is going to be incredibly wonderful, if the last two days are any indication.  The fat shame is also overwhelming me today. I chose to have an egg sandwich rather than my usual shake this morning. I felt ashamed. I snacked on last night's brookies throughout the day. I felt ashamed. I considered when I'll need to run to Home Depot to buy paint. I felt too ashamed to go out in public. Ben hugged me and I felt ashamed. Every time I looked in the mirror, I felt ashamed. It's just so sad to live this way. It makes me miserable, but I can't seem to get out of my head about it. I've also just been approved for my surgery and it should...