February 14, 2022 - Monday



Goodness, I just don't know how much to go into. Last night, when I took my contacts out, my eye felt terrible; like it felt on day 3 or so after it was first injured. And as I lay in bed, contemplating what that could potentially mean for me, I spiraled like I haven't in years and basically crashed. I felt like I was looking at a future of surgeries and health complications, looking at eye correction surgery or a lifetime of feeling half-blind wearing glasses. Writing it out makes it not sound so bad, but there was a while when I was thinking I'd rather be dead than face this future. I thought that I should start starving myself, so that I don't have to get weight loss surgery and can save the money for my eyes. I thought about how poor Ben must feel being with me. I felt disgusting, and broken, and unredeemable, and unworthy of anyone's attention or love. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't feel much better. I mean, I'm not quite in that same space, but I'm really down. 

I'm also feeling really guilty about having a cold. I know, it's SO very stupid. It's not like I asked for a cold or wanted it, but I haven't been able to see my friends and now I feel guilty. Especially about Melis. She has no other friends around here and I've been MIA for almost two weeks now. AND I'm going away for the weekend, so I won't even be able to see her until next Wednesday. I feel awful about it. 

On the up side, I have a fantastic husband who has tried to make Valentine's Day as special and wonderful as he could for me. We made a yummy seafood dinner and we got the babysitter so that we can both go to home church tonight. 

The picture of the room just SO epitomized my mood this morning that I had to get a picture of it. 



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