Photo Journal - Josie Boettcher

We got school done this morning, then I took Jonas to BJJ. He asked that I start coming in and hanging out sometimes, like I used to, so I've been doing that more. Or, at least, coming in for the last 15 minutes of class and watching him.  When I got home, I decided to just freaking do it. Just get the damn compost bin built. Ben isn't going to be around to carry the saw to the back yard for me any time soon and I want to get this project done while the weather is nice. So I just did it. I carried it myself, then built it. It took a couple of hours, and it was hard, but now it's done and I'm so glad!!  We decided to go to group tonight, even though it was awkward. I just pushed past the awkwardness and acted normally. There wasn't much else to do about it but move forward. Ben did not want to go, but they also hired Jonas as a babysitter so we couldn't actually just skip, and he felt too guilty to leave me to go alone. It was fine. It felt pretty normal. Not muc...

IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF FALL!!!! WOOHOO!! I wasn't sure we were going to, but we went to Wild & Free this morning. It was misting when we got there, and for about 1/3 of our time there, but it was nice. I got to catch up with Anne a little bit, who is struggling with her HC again...just because life right now is making it difficult to go. It's also so tough for her to have this weekly thing she does at night when her kids are back in school and she doesn't feel that she can trust David to help them get bathed, homework done, and in bed on time. She's feeling pretty sad about it. We were just a sad pair today! But glad to be with each other and our group. It was only 60 degrees and it felt magical being out in the green, drippy forest, finally in cool weather!  In the afternoon, I finished my book, worked on my puzzle for a little bit, and moved the wood from behind the garden to the picnic bench. I can't believe I let it sit there for 3-4 months, getting all b...

I had another day of mostly just sitting around. It's all I want to do right now. The thought of HC crossed my mind, but then I remembered we were supposed to get together with Colin and Christina. We did school in the morning, then I took Jonas to BJJ and we went in to hang out for a little bit toward the end. I got to catch up with Julia a little bit, who is definitely struggling on her homeschooling journey right now. I'm hoping to find some good resources I can send her.  In the afternoon, I just worked on my puzzle and read, really. I need to have this book done in time for book club tomorrow, so I'm kicking it into high gear! Not that there's anything high-gear about reading. I made some soup and bread for dinner, which I was very excited about. The first soup of the season! It turned out pretty well, even though I had to replace or omit a few of the ingredients because I did not have them.  I ran some errands with Ben in the evening. I've been distracted and ...

I literally just stayed home relaxing all day long. We didn't go to church. I almost went to 4th Street, but I honestly didn't feel like getting dressed or leaving the house. I'm definitely still in my bad mood phase of the month, in addition to be upset with small group. I hate everything. I hate that I followed Ben over here, knowing that it wasn't right for me. I knew from the beginning that I'd never be able to invite people out to Meadow Park, and especially not the small group. How can I be an effective evangelist when I'm 1. not in step with my husband or 2. not in a church fellowship that I can be confident in?? This has been such a trying six months or so. Just grrrrr.  Ben went to play MtG and was gone for most of the day, then Jonas and Clem went to group tonight. I'm feeling some motivation to start on home projects again, now that the forecast is showing cooler temps coming up. It's time for the kids' bathroom next, even though Ben just ...

Today was pretty chill. We just hung out for most of the morning. I got out a new puzzle and worked on that for a couple of hours and also read intermittently. In the early afternoon, I took Clem on a date to American Eagle and some other places. We had a nice time.  The Shauls came over for dinner tonight and it went smoothly. We had to be inside because of the weather, but the kids mostly hung out in the basement, and we eventually turned on a movie that had them all zoned out. Dinner and conversation were both good. Ben and Travis left in the middle to take Jonas to Max's house for a sleepover, and I could tell that Kylienne was really trying to get some new conversations started. It didn't work all that well, but I was proud of her for attempting! I can't really think of any other times she has taken the lead on conversations, in all of these years! She ended up saying something at one point that was really sad. It was something like, 'Nobody has any answers about a...

So glad this school week is over. It's so hard for me to cheerfully do school with the kids when I'm in this headspace! They're such good, sweet, hard-working kids though. I try really, really hard to still be loving towards them, even when I feel like I'm going to explode on everyone.  I got my dresses that I ordered today! Of course, now I have to worry about how I'm going to return two of them. 😬 But that's beside the point. This is just the first one I tried on. I don't think it's flattering on me, so I don't think I'm going with this one. It's crazy because I'll feel like I'm thin and beautiful, but then I try on a dress like this and have a picture taken and it becomes so clear how lumpy, and overweight, and blah I really look. It's kind of sad. Probably sadder that that's how I see myself than that that's how I look, if that makes sense. But, alas, my body is what my body is, and this dress makes me feel worse abou...

We had our first day back at CACH today! I am so excited about my new, full-time role as Yearbook Committee Lead. I had the three kids join me today, whose applications I approved, so that we could brainstorm ideas for a newsletter, some new additions to the yearbook, and our new color scheme/theme. It was a good time, but very quiet. The girls are clearly nervous and not quite getting that they're not in class. This is a club and I want conversation! It took a long time to get them all signed into all of the different accounts though. All of the kids said they had an awesome time today. It was so good to be back. I also talked through my Yearbook Committee dilemma with the leadership team today. I feel like a traitor, in a way, but I cannot have Christina be co-lead on this. She is super negative, hates CACH, and has no stake in this yearbook at all, considering she doesn't care at all about this co-op. Yet, she insists that she is the person I need to choose to be co-lead in ...

Well, it's hump day. At least the day has that going for it. I'm a little grumpy. I think it's just that time of the month when I start getting mad, which is a bummer. We did school in the morning, during which I snapped on the kids and raised my voice several times. *face palm* Poor Ollie was driving me nuts during our one-on-one reading time.  I went to my hair appt. at 12:45, but it's in Grove City, so I give myself a half hour to get there. I always feel like I'm gone forever! It is a full three hours that I need to be gone to get my hair done. Thankfully, the kids are totally good for three hours at this point, but I remember how bad it used to stress me out. Wednesdays are also really full, so being gone for three hours was tough. My hair looks good though! And it was my hairdressers bday, which was fun. I felt bad for not bringing her a drink though. But I quit Starbucks! And I only know her Starbucks order.  When I got back, I immediately turned around (afte...

I had to take Jonas to the doc for a sinus infection today, so I skipped Wild & Free, although I technically could have done both. The thing is, we were meeting at the 100 Acre Wood in Westerville, 35 minutes away. The place has no bathroom and no real parking. I often need to use the bathroom pretty suddenly and I just didn't feel like risking it this time. I almost always skip meetups at that park now that I've experienced it once.  We did kind of a half day of school instead. I let us all sleep in for a while, skipped Bible, but got a bunch of other stuff done. I was pretty distracted all day by thoughts about my 25-year high school reunion that I'm going to miss. I'm hoping to stop in for the last hour! But I reached out to a few people from school to tell them about it and got stuck in some back and forths on Messenger. Then I took Jonas to his doc appt, and worked on my teaching for like 3 hours when I got home. I think it's ready to go! I'm feeling pr...

Today was a day for dates! We did school in the morning, then I took Jonas to BJJ. We hoped that he'd be getting his new belt today, so I went just in case, and he did! He's so proud of himself and I am so proud of him too! Lorena was crying at the desk. It's such a big day to belt up at Gracie Barra and he has worked hard these last 9 months. I hope he'll rededicate himself to going more often again! I took him out to lunch for our date and to celebrate at Chick-fil-A afterwards. We got some good food, then he got a s'mores shake. We also went over to Target and looked around at cleaning supplies for 30 minutes. 😅 Maybe not his top choice, but we had a good time together!  In the evening, Ben and I went to Cameron's for dinner. SO GOOD. We didn't get our normal waiter, which was sad, but the food was good and so was the conversation. We had a really nice time tonight. I got to run a lot of my thoughts from the weekend by Ben. He got defensive when I brough...

I am not feeling well at all. I've been trying to ignore this cold, especially because I didn't want to miss any of the retreat. But now that I can, I'm acknowledging it. I feel crappy. I skipped church, but since I teach on Wednesday, I did sit on the couch and watch the livestream of service. Oh my gosh. I don't love the music in person, but online it was 10,000x worse. It was so bad sounding! I felt awful. I just had to mute it until the sermon started. It was a decent message. An obvious message, but a good one that, I'm sure, everyone in small group will act like is the first time any of them have ever considered. And maybe it really is.  Ben was gone for most of the day...buying his new car! I don't feel excited about it, but I'm trying, for his sake. It's a nice-looking car and he is THRILLED with it. Not looking forward to making the next 60 payments on it though! After he bought the car, he went and played MtG for the next 7 hours and the bigger...

It was a very full yesterday evening and day today. ALL good fullness, but I am exhausted! Last night felt a little awkward at first, but my friends worked hard to make me feel included and like I'm still a natural part of things. We had dinner together, caught up a little, then listened to Patrice's teaching. We split up alphabetically into teams to play trivia. Megan Brown stuck with me, since we were only one table apart anyway :). Our team did not win. Not even close! Haha In the morning, we had our teaching, some discussion and personal reflection, then a really delicious lunch. After lunch, a couple of the ladies left to go home for a couple of hours. I got to spend an hour and a half with Terracina for the first time in months, then sat and talked with Kaitlyn for a while, then went to a book discussion with Kaitlyn and Rachel. Dust to Dust was a very good book! And it was interesting getting different people's perspectives on it. Then some of us joined Patrice'...

Happy birthday to my Gabey baby. I haven't thought about him a ton today...really just in passing. Sometimes, I wish so desperately that life had been different. That he would have lived, and mom wouldn't have been an alcoholic and died too young, and I hadn't lived a life through the lens of, I don't know, all of that trauma and pain. I know that God has a good plan for my life and that all of those experiences are likely a big part of it, but I still sometimes wish it could have been different and that Gabe could be here still. I really hope he's in Heaven with us at the end. My heart aches to see him again.  Today was a pretty good day. We got our school done in good time, although I did not do our extracurricular. The kids didn't mention it and neither did I. I didn't feel like doing French after lunch! I went back to Christina's again (thank God she lives in the neighborhood!) and put together another bookshelf. I also hung some pictures and a new w...

School again today! It was a pretty good day. Ben is still determined to get a new car, so he went to the dealership and kept calling me about prices and rates. I was very negative about it, which he did not appreciate. I feel like it's going to be too expensive and it feels like a rip-off, no matter what! I told him to just not call me about it anymore and he said he was coming home so we could discuss in person.  I went to Christina's again today. She asked for help putting together a bookshelf, which I did not mind doing at all. So much better than just sitting around on her couch! I need to be productive. I didn't used to feel that way, but now it always feels like time is too short. I have too much to do to just relax. I wish I could relax a little more. Even this blog! It feels so hard to just sit on the couch and work on my blog. I should always be cleaning, always be moving, always be getting something tangible and visible taken care of. I need to find a way out of ...

I am getting so excited for the retreat this weekend! I am super relieved that Rachel and Jenny insist that I hang out with them, even though I haven't been around lately. I can't wait.  Today was school. It took a while! But we got through everything. And Jonas skipped BJJ because of his cold. I know he's right, but it's so frustrating that he misses so much! It would suck to be rolling around on the mat with someone who's congested and coughing though. I would be really pissed if my sparring partner was that openly sick! But still. So much money for him to never freaking go. I had to take Ruby to choir at 4, then got home and started cooking. Ben saw me cooking and irritably scolded me for it because it meant he'd have to be the one to go get Ruby...and I just snapped. I raised my voice and said, "I KNOW you can't pick her up, Ben! You can't do ANYTHING. EVERYTHING is too much for Ben! I realize that I am responsible for all meals, for all rides, ...

We went to Wild & Free this morning, and it was a really nice time. We had to leave early (as always) because I was supposed to pick up Ben from an auto repair shop we had an appointment at. Ben called as I was nearing our house to tell me that the people at the shop were rude, so he left and he is NOT going to drop his car off there. He screamed cuss words about how angry he was while he was on the speaker and the kids were all upset when I got off the phone. Jonas said, "Well, it'll be fun to be at home with him this afternoon." And Clem said, "I know I act like that sometimes, but I'm going to change. I never want to be that kind of person!" *sigh* It was a rough afternoon. He is giving up on getting the car fixed, so we got to argue about buying a new car for a while. Honestly, I'm sick of the discussion. We don't have the money for it, and we'll be living off of a credit card even more, but if he insists, then he can just freaking do it....

I wanted to do school today, but let everyone talk me out of it. Honestly, I didn't really *want* to do school, I just wanted to not feel like the whole week was rushed and cramped. Alas, I let everyone (and myself) win and we let the day be a holiday. We just sat around for the entire day, really. I did some school stuff and continued doing laundry all day, but for hours, I just shopped for dresses. I'm going to Josh's wedding in October and I just don't want to feel frumpy. I always feel so gross when I dress up. Like I'm just trying to find something that'll fit on my body, not something that I actually feel good in. So I shopped and shopped, then I found this "retro" dress shop and found some things that felt more like 'me'. I ended up ordering three dresses because I'm so worried things won't fit, when shipping takes almost two weeks. Hopefully one of these three dresses feels good on me! 

Today was a day of laundry, cleaning, and recovery. Haha you'd think yesterday would have felt somewhat relaxing. I mean, we sat all day long! But it was not relaxing at all, so today we just had to chill out. I had the washer and dryer running constantly all day long and, somehow, everything felt like it needed to be cleaned, even though I literally cleaned EVERYTHING right before I left. I spent THREE WHOLE HOURS out in the garden today! I needed to get everything weeded and cleaned up, and I also had quite a bit to harvest. It felt so good to be out there. I'm exhausted and Ben is trying not to drink every day anymore, so we headed to bed early. 

All we did today was drive. It was torture. Of course, Ben slept like crap last night and he drank too much last night so...guess how he felt today! Terrible!! He got three hours of sleep and kept running to the bathroom thinking he was going to puke all morning. Good times. We got up at 5, left by 6, and got home around 9pm. We made it!! I had to drive for about five hours of it, which was fine. AND we listened to the Dust to Dust book for the women's retreat next weekend. I'm excited about the retreat! And the book was very good. It was such a relief to pull up to our house. I did a million little things after we got in, but I was exhausted and went to bed pretty early. 

Last full day here!!! 😭😭😭 I'm so sad. We went to Marshall Point Lighthouse this morning and hung out looking for rocks for a couple of hours. Then, I got home, freaked out about packing and cleaning for a couple of hours, then met with Evie and JJ at the Sea Hag Cidery. Dad and MJ came and watched the kids while we were there, and even made dinner for us while we were gone...lobster rolls! Honestly, it was the most delicious thing I've eaten since we got here. At the end of this evening, I'm settling down to bed feeling absolute panic about waking up early tomorrow and driving for a million hours. I hate the last day of the trip. 

The weather predicts this as our only rainy day in Maine this year. I have mixed feelings! I do love the rain, but it keeps us from enjoying the beach as much. So, we had a slow morning in the house, then made it our shopping day in Camden. The kids spent lots of their allowance, making me want to cry, and Ben and I spent none.  After getting back to the house from shopping, I started right away on dessert prep for our little surprise celebration for MJ tonight. Thank goodness, the cookies turned out great! Then I started dinner, while waiting for dad and Marme to get here with the lobsters. JJ came in to help with the food, but Evie literally just sat on the couch reading. How does a 40-year-old just sit around and wait for other people to make their dinner for them? And then not even volunteer to clean up afterwards?? *sigh* Only Evie.  Dinner was amazingly delicious though, unlike Claws yesterday. The lobster was perfect, all of the sides turned out really good, and dessert...

This morning was the Breakwater, which was awesome (as always). We made it all the way this year! AND, for the first time ever (for me), the lighthouse was OPEN! It was really cool to walk around in there and read some of the history of it. We were pretty blown away by the price of construction back in 1890. It turned out to be about $1 per TON of granite used on the breakwater, including construction! Crazy.  After the breakwater, we grabbed some lunch, then headed to the campground to hang out with dad and Marme and get some laundry done. The kids hopped in the pool, even though it was cool out, then went to the clubhouse to play for a while. Once the laundry was done, we headed back to the house to wait for Evie and JJ to get there, and we were just in time for the high tide!! That's my favorite time to sit down at the ocean. I love feeling the waves lap up on my feet. It's just the best. Once Evie and JJ got there, we helped them unpack and then went out to dinner right awa...