February 4, 2022 - Friday


SNOW DAY PT. 2 - SUCKS. Oh my gosh. Someone take my kids back to school! I don't even care if it's empty. Just get them out of here. 😅 It's not quite that serious, but it was a rough one for me. Just sensory overload. Constant noise, fighting, crying, needing, whining, wanting. It's a hard thing for me to handle. This summer is going to be incredibly wonderful, if the last two days are any indication. 

The fat shame is also overwhelming me today. I chose to have an egg sandwich rather than my usual shake this morning. I felt ashamed. I snacked on last night's brookies throughout the day. I felt ashamed. I considered when I'll need to run to Home Depot to buy paint. I felt too ashamed to go out in public. Ben hugged me and I felt ashamed. Every time I looked in the mirror, I felt ashamed. It's just so sad to live this way. It makes me miserable, but I can't seem to get out of my head about it. I've also just been approved for my surgery and it should be happening in the next 6-8 weeks. All I can feel is relief that maybe I won't have to live with this constant shame and humiliation. That, finally, the scale will go down instead of up. I have been experiencing failure after failure in my recent (admittedly weak) weight loss attempts and it has been incredibly discouraging. I think Ben dieting pretty hardcore and getting more vocal about how much he's dissatisfied with his body, combined with more thoughts about weight loss surgery, combined with my own weight loss failures is what is causing these acute shame thoughts. That and the increasing anxiety I've been experiencing, in general, lately. I have got to get in to see my doctor, preferably before our trip later this month, and see if he can give me some as needed anxiety meds. I don't know how I'm going to leave my kids for two nights without them. Every time I think about the trip, I'm sick to my stomach. 

Aside from everything above, it was a fantastic day! I got some fun pictures, went outside in the snow, played some Animal Crossing, did some productive organizing and cleaning, played with Ollie, washed some clothes, and showered. Not too bad, for a snow day. :)

What time is it? It's tantrum time!





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

May 3, 2025 - Saturday

Image
What a day! It literally rained from start to finish, but we packed as much into it as we possibly could! We had a great time visiting and hanging out. We had a fire and lots of great meals *brushes shoulder off*. The kids played well together and, as far as I know, there wasn't any drama! It was a bit exhausting, but I'm so glad that this retreat went well. Last year's was a bit of a bomb, with all the childcare drama happening behind the scenes. I feel like last year's retreat was a pre-cursor to our deciding to move away. Not that they actually had anything to do with one another, but they happened in such close succession that they seem related in retrospect. I drank a bit too much tonight and had a really fun time singing songs, while Tony played the guitar. Man, I wish I had talent with instruments!
Read more

November 9, 2025 - Sunday

Image
This is my favorite picture from the whole shoot!! I love it.  We went to CT this morning and I actually got to sit in on the teaching! Woo! It feels like that doesn't happen very often. We hung out in the cafe with friends for a little bit, then went to Chipotle for lunch on the way home.  We spent most of the day just relaxing! I started a photo book for our Maine vaca in September, and tried to get caught up with some other stuff, but it was mostly just a chill day. Jonas and Clem went to group and we stayed home, chillin'. Ben and I got in the hot tub with Ruby and Ollie for a little while, which was fun. It was snowing while we were in there!  
Read more

November 24, 2025 - Monday

Image
Today was a very rough day for me. It's not like everything went wrong, I just really struggled to manage my emotions. I had to run out, first thing, to get my pick-up order because there were things in it that we needed for breakfast. Then, somehow, we didn't get school started until almost 9:30. I started with Ruby and Ollie, as usual, and decided to check in with Ollie while I was reading. Okay, related side note, Ruby can't stand it when I ask Ollie questions and not her. But the thing is, Ruby remembers EVERYTHING she hears. She learns super well by just plain old listening. If I ask her questions, she answers them correctly and I never get to gauge whether or not Ollie is learning. She also always blurts out answers because she's so afraid I won't give her an opportunity to show us all how much she is learning. And I get it! She wants praise and to show me that she's a good student and she's learning. I understand. But, because of her constant eagernes...
Read more