Photo Journal - Josie Boettcher

Just for fun, I'm going to list out all of the things that are making me stressed/anxious right now: Ollie being rebellious today Ben being manic today Me being sad today Getting prepared for the photo shoot tomorrow How the photo shoot will go tomorrow Me not being worthy of ever being a professional photographer Me not being good enough to be a photographer Me not having the mental capacity to take on anything new Having a current job that I haven't even started There not being enough hours in the day Having plans every day this week Snow coming this week, causing me to potentially cancel plans Double booking plans one day this week Not losing weight Being hungry Being fat The house being messy Me not having enough time to clean Whether or not I have a future in Dwell ...all of the specifics of all of the things listed above There's just too much stuff taking up space in my brain. It makes me want to go away! Just get away from everything. Shut off my brain. Have no respo...

No decision = a decision sometimes...like in the case of my photo of the month location. 😅 Looks like we're going to stick with the cul-de-sac! Ollie did not want to walk out here because she was sooooooo coooooooooold. But she did it! And 2022s monthly photo series is off the ground again! I mean, it's not a terrible location, just a redundant location. I am supposed to have my first baby photo shoot tomorrow! I'm nervous and excited at the same time. 4-month-old Ivan is going to come over and, although I'm prepared, I'm stressing about not being good enough and wondering what on earth is going to set me apart from the hundreds of baby photographers in Columbus. Ben is thinking I shouldn't focus on differentiating myself through skill or what the photos look like, but by being a free/cheap option for people who would love to have baby pictures taken, but can't afford it. My friend Jane is thinking I should focus on the "magical" aspect I photosho...

  My parents decided to stay an extra day, because of the snow in DE!  We went to class this morning, which was incredibly upsetting. I'm not sure I'm going to continue the leadership classes at this point. When we got home, after lots and lots of crying because of class, Ben got into a super bad mood and won't talk to me. Sooooo....I'm just having a freaking fantastic day. One of these days, I'll get my thoughts together enough to write a blog post that actually makes sense and is more than a few sentences of how crappy things are. 

Merry Christmas, pt. 2! The kids were so excited to celebrate again this morning with Poppop and Mommom. They all got things that they love and have been playing all day.  I'm all in my feelings again and really could use a good vent session, but today is not the day for that.  😭

Today was an absolutely crazy day. We woke up and worked all day long. Cooking, cleaning, cooking, cleaning, more cooking, more cleaning. It was non-stop, other than a 10 minute break for lunch! I wanted to get things cleaned up for my parents coming tonight, but we also brought food to Alex and Jenny and I had to go super over the top for people I super love! I ended up making snickerdoodles, 24 banana muffins, 1.5x egg and sausage bake, 1.5x french toast casserole, 2x chicken tikka masala, and 2x naan. It was a lot. Ooh, and laundry...like 5 loads.  Our visit with Jenny and Alex was really fun. We've missed them! They quarantined for a long time before Jay was born, so it's been a while since we got to hang out. I took the final picture of her photo series with her holding Jay tonight. Looking forward to putting it together...in whatever way I end up doing it. *shrug* I still haven't figured it out! 

  I am feeling very self-conscious and unhappy with my appearance today. I'm also feeling pretty disconnected with Ben right now and don't know if it's worth bringing anything up or if it will just pass with time, as discontent often does. Luckily, I had a play date planned with Brit AND it's her birthday (33!), so I had distraction for a couple of hours. Brit is 32 (and a half) weeks along now. Luca is coming pretty soon!!! It snowed a couple more inches today, unexpectedly. I don't really care either way if it continues to snow. That's just kind of how life in Ohio is. It snows. Life goes on. I remember the first winter I was here, it snowed almost every day for over a month. It felt totally surreal, sitting out on my apartment patio smoking cigarettes by myself while Ben was at work. Just snow, snow, and more snow. And the occasional robin. I still get some of that same feeling, especially living on this court that doesn't get plowed. Snow, snow, and more...

I thought that I'd be happy, having nothing to do and nowhere to go, but I'm not having a happy day. It's been pretty centered on Ben, his diet, and his priorities. Not super fun for the rest of us.  Ollie is crying here, because she hit her sister and was put in a time out. I went in to check on her and she was all tears. I thought she looked quite beautiful, so I captured her misery for all eternity. And Jonas is just doing what Jonas does. All day. Every day. I don't check it nearly as much as I should, because it honestly keeps him out of our hair and keeps him from messing with his sisters. 😖 I know it's a terrible reason to let him play so much and I know it's a real issue with my parenting. I know. He's just so miserable and sometimes terrible when he's not playing video games that I take the easy way out most of the time. 

Now that I have class on Saturday mornings, it doesn't feel like Fridays are so special. I have to get up and get out of the house at the exact same time tomorrow as I do every single other weekday. 😒 It's a bummer. Only 8 more weeks of this!  When the girls woke up this morning, they were right back at the same shenanigans as last night. Dancing around, yelling, being crazy on the mat. :) I had to get a filling pretty early today (ouch) and then I met Melis at the mall for a play date. It was a good day. I'm in a complaining kind of mood, but the day was good and really warrants no complaints. I have slept SO WELL the last two nights too. It's incredible! Like, going to sleep pretty early and then actually SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT until morning. And then, guess what, I actually feel like I'm ready to wake up when it's time to get up. 😊 It's been crazy.  I have several more things on my mind that I wouldn't mind venting about, but I'm not going t...

Pizza and a movie night!!! Haha kind of hard to celebrate and eat junk food when the scale showed a gain this morning. 🙄 But tradition is tradition, after all.  I looked back through a year of photos I posted on Instagram and it struck me how little I do with photography now, compared to last year. I spent considerable time planning photo shoots and using Ps before. Now, it's like, let's just take a picture of what's happening and act like it's artsy. IDK. Feeling bummed about my personal photography projects not being very inspired lately.  Speaking of uninspired photography, here are today's selections! Just some hot mess, blurry, destructive play time this evening. This is what real, every day life is like over here. Not posed portraits or magical photo shoots, but kids rolling around on the ground, whining, playing, screaming, and laughing with each other. It's not usually picture perfect, but it's still perfect for me (sometimes). Yes, Jonas is squashi...

I had the EGD procedure done yesterday and it was pretty nerve-wracking. Thankfully, Melis was able to be here with Ollie and the appointment was late enough that Ben and I could see the kids off to school. Logistically, everything went great. Honestly, all around, everything went great. It just sucks being in a hospital gown, having an IV, being put under, etc. Ben gets really uncomfortable seeing me that way and I am always full of anxiety leading up to any hospital visits. The EGD showed that everything is normal and that was my last requirement to get bariatric surgery. I will have an appointment with the surgeon at some point and we'll discuss options one more time. BUT things are really behind because of COVID right now. They stopped doing elective surgeries sometime in December and they still haven't started back up. So that means that once they do start back up, I'll still have a 6 - 8 week wait. I'm not feeling upset about it, I just wish I felt more capable of...

Happy snow day to us!!! We finally got a few inches overnight and it looks so beautiful. We took the kids out this morning and had some fun. It was a little too powdery for snowballs or snowmen, but that did not make a difference to the kids.  My endoscopy is tomorrow and I'm feeling pretty nervous about it. 

Thank GOD it's a long weekend for us. Yesterday was busy, but good. We had class in the morning (it went well!) and then the Arikoks came over for dinner and a visit. In between, we cleaned for hours. So many hours of cleaning. It was much needed, but still...sucky. 😅 It was a really nice evening with our friends though. Naz fits in perfectly with the kids. They all have so much fun together. Today has been nice and relaxing. I did a little laundry and put 6 loads away 🙄 (it really is never-ending), but mostly just read and maintained the cleanliness of yesterday. The kids played outside for a few minutes, during which time I got some fun pictures, and Ben and I are going on a date tonight! We were supposed to go to a concert together, but it got postponed and we decided to take the opportunity of having the babysitter to head out to dinner and then do some shopping...or maybe a walk in the snow? We'll see! I'm looking forward to some time away from the kiddos and some ti...

I have been so tired today! But it has been a good day. We drove by Jenny's to do her 9-MONTH PICTURE.  9 MONTHS!!!  Have I mentioned that she's having her baby on MONDAY? Oh my gosh. So soon. And then we went and hung out at Melis's house for a couple of hours, which was good, as always. Me and Melis spent a lot of time talking about our parents who have died and it's kind of cathartic to just reminisce sometimes. Always good to talk to someone who understands too.  We have class in the morning and I'm not dreading it. Not looking forward to it either though. :) I need to do the following things in the next two days: 1. drop off UPS packages 2. go to the library to pick up holds 3. drop of pre-k registration forms. I should do the following things in the next two days: 1. take Clemi to get her other earring out 😬 2. Take Clemi to Once Upon a Child for some shopping. Feeling like I could fall asleep any second does not help, but if I didn't feel like that, I co...

Today was a pretty ordinary, but very good, day. We visited my friend Ellen for a short while this morning and then met Naz and Melis at the mall to play and hang out for a few hours. The girls love that play area and I love hanging out and talking with a mom friend that I really enjoy! Since we've both had COVID recently, we don't have to be afraid, which is nice. What wasn't nice was that there was some kind of sewage leak that smelled SO AWFUL. I thought it was poor Melis having some gastric issues 😂😂😂. It definitely wasn't and I'm sure she didn't appreciate my guess! hahaha  Nothing much else going on today. I'm glad it's Wednesday. The week is more than half over. But that also means I only have two more days to do my homework. 😬

I took Ollie to story time at the library today by accident. 😅 I had to bring her with me to get blood work done this morning, which she handled like a champ (I did too), and then I took her over to the library. While we were looking for books, I heard the story time leader announcing that today was the first time they've had it in forever! So we joined and Ollie loved it so much. She didn't quite know what to do or how to listen to the stories, but she liked the music and she loved being in a room with all those other kids! Seeing her there kind of solidified my decision to send her to pre-k next year. I called and printed out the paperwork. Just need to drop it off!  I did get most of my bloodwork results back today and they aren't good. I'm pretty anxious about how much my health has declined since I last had my bloodwork done, two years ago. Nothing to do but keep making steps towards a healthier lifestyle. It's so hard. 

I hate when I'm feeling out of control of my own emotions. I have gone through the WHOLE RANGE today...in extremes. I've cried, I've flipped out in anger, I've silently raged, I've been grateful, I've felt at peace, I've felt happiness, felt cooped up, felt overwhelmed, felt anxious, and on and on. It's really just been a mess of a day for me. Everything is offending me. Everything is upsetting me. I feel like I could fall asleep instantly if I closed my eyes. It's just been a blast for me and everyone around me. 🎉 Woo! The kids played pretty well today and I got some fun pictures of Jonas and Ollie having a tea party. He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he did join her, so I'm thankful for that. I tried to get them to have their tea party in better lighting, but no one wanted to. *shrug* Oh well!

Well, today was supposed to be the first day of our LTC 3 class, but their childcare workers got sick, so only one of us could go. We decided Ben would be the one, since he'll have to miss a class when he goes to his men's retreat in a couple of weeks. I'm going to have to listen to the class online and hope I can get everything out of it that I need! But Ben went, so he should be able to fill in any gaps that I feel like I have. While Ben was gone this morning, I got some organizing and purging done. There are SO MANY areas of the house that have just been largely untouched and unorganized for years. And there are SO MANY things that I need to sell or donate. It's hard to make the time to do these things! Selling things on Facebook Marketplace is super time consuming between taking the photos, making the post, and replying to inquiries. Not to mention waiting anxiously for meetups or having to ship things out. It's awesome that we have this option out there to try,...

We finally got to hang out with someone today! Melis was good with us coming by for a visit, so we went over there to play for a couple of hours. Of course, it was like Ollie has to start over with her friendship. Both girls pretty much just wanted to watch TV and eat so...not a ton of playing went on. It was really good to catch up with Melis and be around a friend, though, since it's been a little while. Sadly, Cerag is pretty certain that he is going to take the in-person job in Charlotte, NC and move the family out there. :( He'll be getting his official offer next week. I totally understand it and I'm glad for the opportunity that we've had to get to know their beautiful family, but I'm really sad. I haven't made a friend that I've had such an easy connection with in a long time and Ollie will be saying goodbye to her best friend. It's going to be hard. We'll keep on hanging out and giving them lots of love while we still have them close, though...

Happy Hump Day! 🤓 Haha but in all seriousness, I am glad the week is more than half over. Tomorrow is pizza and a movie night and then it's Friday! Not bad at all.   I DID get out of the house today for a little bit (for maybe the first time since Christmas!). I went to Home Depot and bought sponges and drain cleaner. 💁😅 Yeah, it was pretty awesome. Oh, and then Ollie begged for french fries, so I stopped at McDonald's and got her some and then she took one bit, said, "Ew. Me no like those". Okay, I'm just rambling and being obnoxious. Nothing interesting is happening in my life right now. I took pictures of Ollie with her Magnatiles and I played with her for an hour and a half with all sorts of toys and games. I also ordered our very late holiday cards and spent some time talking to Marme on the phone. Big day! We're going to start a Dwell class on Saturday and it lasts for 3 months. Every Saturday, from 9 -12, for THREE MONTHS. I'm starting to wonder ...

Oh, man. This week is dragging! I can't believe it's only Tuesday. Me and Ollie have been pretty bored over here. We're feeling better, but I still think I'd rather wait until two weeks have passed before I go do stuff, especially with friends. And without all of the other kids here to distract her, she's pretty much just attached to me all day!  Ben asked me the other day to try to not be so negative. When he said it, I was honestly like *blink blink* who tf are you talking to with that bs??? It took everything in me to not retort with something smart about how the first and last words out of his mouth every day are negative and how does he have the nerve to...etc. But instead, I gave him a look and didn't say much. I felt angry and I thought about it a lot for days. I never really think of myself as negative per se. I KNOW that I'm not an optimist, by any means, but I don't consider myself a pessimist either. I've been trying to weigh my words befo...

Once the kids were off to school, the anxiety was gone about them being at school. So....problem solved, I guess? Ollie had a harder day than usual, though, with everyone gone. I had a mission to get most of the Christmas decorations down, after cleaning and organizing our den, and that meant not a lot of time hanging out with her, doing what she wanted.  I FINALLY got the study set up for our family photo shoot, which will hopefully, hopefully, hopefully happen tomorrow. I got my new lighting in there and the tripod is set up where it needs to be. The camera settings are all set too. So all I have to do is get my own hair and makeup done and get dressed, then get four other people dressed and do their hair. Easy peasy! Honestly, the overwhelm of getting everyone ready is why I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet though. I'm hoping with staggered times of people getting home, it'll be a little easier. I can get myself and Ollie ready between 3 and 3:50 and Jonas ...

I'm feeling lots of anxiety about sending the kids back to school tomorrow. I've been trying to pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling anxious about: that we had COVID and now they're going back? That I'm worried for them being away from the house? I wish it was anything selfless at all, but I think it's really just that I don't want to go back to getting up early, getting everyone dressed and doing their hair, packing lunches, making sure masks are ready, getting dressed, going to the bus stop, dealing with Ollie in the mornings, etc. I feel pretty safe sending them back, since none of them have any symptoms and haven't for days. According to the CDC, we're well beyond the period of time we would need to wait (although I kind of feel like it's too lenient now). Ben and I still have some lingering symptoms, so we're not quite ready to expose ourselves to the world yet. 😏 But I think the kids are fine. And they're all so excited to be around t...