April 4, 2022 - Monday


Today marks one week since my surgery. I have not been in a very positive state of mind recently and, at this point, I can't say I'm glad I did it. I believe that will change, but with this slow recovery and the constant hunger(?maybe that's what it is?), I'm just frustrated. Fullness doesn't feel like fullness anymore. Hunger doesn't feel like hunger anymore. But you know what still feels exactly the same? Cravings. And I am not allowed to fulfill them! I want to eat EVERYTHING...other than soup and protein shakes. Something buttery, something fried, something that already has protein in it so I don't have to add that nasty crap to all my soups anymore. (I have been adding about 1/4 cup of tasteless protein powder to my soups so that I can make sure I'm getting the proper nutrition. While it is actually tasteless, it is not textureless. Every soup turns into gruel. It's getting gross.) I have lost 12.5 pounds since the start of this (not in the last week), but right now I feel like I would trade it to be able to eat something yummy! Okay, enough complaining. I'm healing, slowly but surely. I will survive my cravings and learn to enjoy healthier foods. It's going to be fine. It's going to be more than fine. I just wish I could fast forward through the really hard parts. 

I walked around with Ollie for a bit today and right before we went outside, Clemi's school called AGAIN. Once again, Clemi is having stomach issues at school, but this time she's not allowed to come back for two days. 🙄 I haven't talked about this much on here, but Clem has been a pain in the ass lately. I'm not using my empathetic mom words right now, but this is driving me crazy. She's come home from school several times for "diarrhea" that isn't actually diarrhea and stomach pains that are related to...nothing. NOTHING AT ALL. We're assuming that she's been feeling queasy when tense situations come up. Like, anxiety is manifesting itself through stomach aches. I experienced that when I was younger and it makes sense, but coming home from school every single time you feel it does not make sense. I need help with this and I don't know where to find it. Ben and I are both just getting SO upset. 

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