Photo Journal - Josie Boettcher

Something has been eating at me since Monday night, and it feels like the longer I sit with it, the more bothered and angry I become. Okay, here's the story. Ben went out for drinks with the small group guys on Monday evening. He was there for a long time, and he had a good night, but when he got home, he told me that they spent the whole time debating 'hot topics'. This sounds like a literal nightmare of an evening to me, but whatever floats his boat, I guess. One of the hot topics they debated was WOMEN BEING IN A PLACE OF LEADERSHIP WITHIN THE CHURCH. First, I didn't know this was a hot topic. This isn't the freaking 1940s. Second, I had no idea that men that I spend time with on a weekly basis believe that women need to be put in/kept in 'their place'. I am so disgusted and pissed off. And I know that it doesn't affect me directly, necessarily, but I am horrified, none the less. Every day that goes by, I'm feeling more angry and hurt. I feel disr...

I worked in the homeschool room for a little while this morning, but Ollie has been so patiently waiting around for me this week so far, so I decided to take her to the pool with friends. She had such a fun time! I had an...ok time. It was fine. It was warm and I forgot my book, also I felt obligated to talk to people when I didn't want to. But it was fine! We stayed there from 12:30 to 4 and then I went straight to the camp to pick up the kids. The whole time I was gone, I was itching to be home and be productive, but I have the whole week, right?  In the evening, I finally finished cleaning and organizing in the homeschool room!!!! I had this HUGE stack of papers the kids have written, and artwork that I wanted to keep, and it was sitting on top of this bin that I assumed was full of more artwork and papers, so as I'm organizing, I'm thinking to myself, 'Ok, I'll use a hanging file folder system to get all of this organized when I get down to the bottom.' WELL...

Oh, my goodness. I was SO tired this morning! I laid down on the couch after the kids left and couldn't get up for over an hour. It kind of made being productive a little more challenging, but I pulled it together and got more of the homeschool room cleaned! I spent a few more hours in there and even got Ollie's desk area and the bookshelf/Jonas areas cleaned too. In between, I took Ollie out on a date!! We went to Panera for lunch, then headed to Target to get some shopping and browsing done. We had a really nice time together. It was a good day and we had pizza and a movie night in the evening. Jonas went to CT, so me, Ben, and the girls watched the Pout Pout Fish movie. It was pretty darn cheesy, but the girls liked it.  Clemi got punched in the face and pushed under water by some girl at camp today. She didn't want to make it a big deal and didn't tell on her, but she did tell me and I thought I needed to tell Ben. We all ended up regretting that because he absolute...

Today was the first day of the Great Exchange Ministries camp that we've been doing for a few years. Jonas is a counselor this week and Ruby and Clem are students? Kids there? Idk what they're called. Anyway, Christina offered to take them all week, so I'll be responsible for pick-ups. I'll still have to get up early to get the kids ready, but at least I don't have to get out of the house/put a bra on first thing. :) I have lots of goals for the week! I want to get the homeschool room completely cleaned and organized and ready for the next school year. I want to clear out and organize all of the donations, giveaways, and stuff I'm planning to sell. And I want to repot some of my seedlings and get the garden weeded. I still have Ollie all week, so we'll see what gets done! TODAY, I made good progress on the homeschool room. I started with Ruby's desk, which has been an ABSOLUTE DISASTER for months and months and months. Piled feet high with trash, and stu...

Gosh, I just want some time to BREATHE. And by breathe, I mean sit around with nowhere to be and nobody to please. I'm tired. My social battery has been completely drained since Thursday evening. I need a break! But today did not bring a break.  First thing after we woke up today, I got the girls dressed and ready to go, then drove across town to Jaxon and Liam's piano recital that we were invited to. It feels like nonsense that we went to this, but they came to Clem's choir concert, so I kind of felt obligated. EVERYONE from small group was there. I just don't get it! It took a couple of hours, then I got home and worked on cupcakes for the entire afternoon, then we went to Liam's birthday party. We got there a little early to get dessert set up and stayed for far longer than either me or Ben wanted to stay. It was close to 8:30 by the time we got home, so we got the girls into bed, then sat and watched a show before going to bed. In the in between spaces, I wrappe...

Happy Father's Day to Benny! It was a nice day, and even a little relaxing. Definitely relaxing for Ben, which is the point! :) I got up early to make sausage gravy and biscuits from scratch, since it's Benny's favorite. He opened gifts and we hung out around the house in the morning, then went to CM Chicken for lunch. It was good! Ruby and Ollie basically just ate white rice and french fries, but sometimes you just have to make do. We didn't do much in the afternoon. I fertilized my garden and Ben napped and played video games. Then I made a casserole for dinner that someone had dropped off to us and Ben ate leftover sausage gravy. In the evening, Jonas went to HC and I took the girls to the pool for a couple of hours. Not a bad day! 

Well, the day has finally arrived. Ben could barely sleep last night and has been so anxious about delivering his eulogy today, but it went well. He cried through the entire thing, but he still managed to speak clearly, so it was a win. Dawn got loudly frustrated a couple of times during the service, and her family and Ali's ducked out of the reception early, but at least there was no scene caused, so we can be thankful for that. Ben's job sent a beautiful flower arrangement. It was the only one there. I think Hazel was asking for donations to the church in lieu of flowers. I'm glad at least someone ignored that! Funerals should have some flowers, I think. Rachel came and Ben was crying because he was so moved to see her in the pews. Altogether, it was good. We saw a lot of Hazel's family that we haven't seen in years and, although the funeral didn't reflect the Dennis that his Boettcher family members knew, Hazel seemed pleased with everything. She was his wife...

This morning was just straight up panic on my part. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, but it's like I believed that I wasn't coming home for a week and needed the house and garden to be completely ready for my absence. But we're coming home tomorrow. So I was acting like a psycho for nothing. We got ourselves packed and I got 3/4 of the stuff done I wanted to do, and then we headed out around 11. We got to Hazel's around 1:30, after grabbing some lunch on the road and got to hang out there for a couple of hours. I finally met Dean and one of his daughters was there too. Ali and Patrick were there with their families and I finally, FINALLY got to talk to Hazel. She has not called me back and I, obviously, never went out in person during Dennis's illness, so it was good to get a chance to talk to her.  After a while, we all headed to the hotel to check in. Our room is nice and pretty roomy. There's plenty of space for all of us in there and the bath...

It was my turn to drive Jonas and the Wyatts AND Jaxon to camp today, so I got up early and picked everyone up. Then, when I got home, Christina came over to work one last time on the decorations together. We got about 90% done, but she'll have to do a bit on her own. I set her up as well as I could by finishing the part I'd been helping with. I wish her luck! I have way too much to be stressed about already without adding more Liam's party stress onto my shoulders. I haven't even started getting packed for the trip to Marietta tomorrow morning. I feel like my task list is 1,000 items long and I have about 2 minutes to do everything.  I took Ollie to BJJ at 11 and the other girls wanted to come to watch, then Lorena invited them to join! Ollie was the only one there and I think she just wanted to spice things up a little. Afterwards, we ran to Chick-fil-A and got the girls treats with the gift cards they got at their VBS last week...and I got myself a little treat too! ...

Today was the first time I've considered quitting Wild & Free. It has always felt like a constant and necessary co-op in my homeschooling journey, but lately nobody ever wants to go. Jonas's friends rarely go and none of the girls have any friends there at all. On top of that, the meetups always seem to be far away now. It's just been really hard to make it for the past nine months or so and I'm wondering if it's time to let it go. I don't want to, but it's something I'm going to start considering.  Since I didn't go to W&F, Christina came over and we worked on decorations more. She brought the kids, so the girls were very excited. We still didn't finish up, but worked for a solid two hours on them. Then I needed to get ready for dinner with Travis and Kylienne.  We didn't do anything too complicated and dinner turned out very nice. The kids all played really well together and our time with the adults was good. I think I was just a li...

Jonas started his first week (for this year) of counseling for the Great Exchange Ministries camp. Hoping he loves it like he did last two years! We already know he is going to miss tomorrow for his trip to Zoombezi Bay with friends and he also has to miss Thursday because we're going to Marietta, so it's going to be a short week for him. Thankfully, there are three of us carpooling this week, so I'll only have to do one of the days of driving. This afternoon, Christina came over and we worked on getting decorations ready for Liam's party. We worked for hours and barely made a dent! But at least we started. She has been in an especially negative mood lately. I think she's pretty overwhelmed, but she seriously is the only one putting this pressure on herself. She does not need to do so much for the part!  In the evening, we went to the Younkman's for dinner. It was...fine? Idk. Dinner was tasty and the company was pretty good. The girls had a really nice time, wh...

Ben freaked out on us again today and I am already nearing the end of my rope. It may be time for an ultimatum soon. I just want to run away, but I know I have to face the issue head on. I also know that he is grieving and really, really struggling with his pain, so I should try to be more patient. I'm not feeling very patient at the moment, though. I want him to see a counselor and actually work through some of his grief and pain, rather than just shoving it down like he has always done. Maybe I'll try to bring it up sometime soon.

Today, we barely did anything. Ben and I did go on a date to Cameron's for dinner, which was very nice and delicious, as always. I got the scallops, also as always. We had a very nice time! However, on the drive home, we happened to get stuck behind a car accident for about 20 minutes. Well, Ben had an absolute breakdown. He screamed, punched the steering wheel and cussed for basically the whole wait. Then, after we got home, he freaked out on the kids and threatened to send them all to bed early, screaming at them. Afterwards, he literally just sat down to read like all of that bullshit behavior was completely normal. The poor kids were so caught off guard and scared. They kept coming up to me asking what they did wrong, but they did absolutely NOTHING wrong! Ben was acting like a complete asshole for NO reason! I took a shower, then called him up for a talk. He was like, "Wait. Why? Did I do something wrong??" Uhhhhhhh. YES. Obviously. He was like, "I thought I han...

Today was AWESOME. I was so nervous and frustrated (because I had committed to going) leading up to it, but so glad I didn't cancel for once! I packed up lunch, and clothes, and floaties, then me and the kids drove an hour to get to a stranger's house who invited us over to hang out at their pond, along with Sarah, from small group. Marcie, the host, was wonderful. She's one of those people that just seems to have it all together, effortlessly. She runs a "hobby" farm and dairy, sells beef, homeschools five kids, and seems to know about and have researched everything in the universe. I asked her if she ever feels overwhelmed by all of that and she looked perplexed and said, "No. Never." *shrug* Just another example of me having a much smaller plate than many other people! And that's okay. I am who I am. But anyway, the pond was amazing, the kids had a fantastic time, and I felt very relaxed and comfortable. I had a few little surges of bitterness bec...

Ollie came in around 11pm last night, crying because she was so scared she'd swallow her tooth in her sleep. I asked if I could pull it out and she was sleepy enough to say yes! I grabbed it right out and she didn't even realize! It was way too late for the tooth fairy to come tonight though. :) While the girls were at VBS today, Jonas and I went to the speech club end of year party. We shared some laughs and some food (yummy selection!). Julia, the leader of the group, is sending her boys to school next year, so it was kind of a bittersweet hangout. In the evening, I took Ollie and Ruby to the pool while Jonas and Clem were at the Meadow Park "house church" thing they're trying out for their youth. The kids seem to like it, but they haven't really given me many details except that the teachings have been terrible. Hopefully they get better! 

Today, at Discovery Church VBS drop-off, Mara fell from a high monkey bar straight onto her head and was knocked unconscious. An ambulance came to get her and we had 15 panicked, freaked-out children running around and crying, right at drop-off time. Thankfully, my girls missed the actual event and were already checked in by the time all of this craziness was happening, but I walked right into it, completely bewildered by all of the crying children and panicked moms. By the time I walked over to Christina and the ambulance, Mara was awake and alert, and I reported back to friends that it probably wasn't anything serious, but nobody wanted to hear that and continued their anxious fretting. Throughout the morning, Christina updated us on Mara's condition, and she ended up being fine, thank God. Jaxon came over to our house and ate breakfast, then hung out with Jonas for a while, while I went and got lumber for my new compost bin at Home Depot. When I got back, I picked up the boy...

I skipped hanging out with the other small group moms this morning to take Jonas on a date. I missed him so much while he was gone and I felt like we needed a couple of hours together to just catch up. We went to Starbucks (which I still hate now), walked around Target for a while, then went to the Rusty Bucket, where they made my burger wrong, then got irritated with me for sending it back. Dude, if I'm spending $15.99 on a burger, I don't want it slathered in relish! Sorry!! It was so nice hanging out with my buddy boy, though. We had fun together and had good conversations. I started feeling really grouchy and tired in the afternoon, so I just cleaned a bit and puttered around the house. I did nothing productive and refused to sit out in the heat at the pool. So gross and awful. My mood got continually worse throughout the afternoon and evening, sadly. Jonas went to CT and Clem watched a show in my bed, while Ben and I watched our current show, The Boroughs . I'm hoping ...

VBS at this random Discovery church started today. It seems really well organized! And everyone is so, very excited to be there. I love that about it. The girls had a good time, but Clem is having constant drama with Millie and it is exhausting. Why does Millie have to be so awful?? While the kids were there, me and the other small group ladies went out to breakfast at First Watch. So yummy! And it was really fun. Good conversation. It's so much easier to talk to people when their kids aren't around.  In the afternoon, I was sitting on the couch and just randomly fell asleep. This is not a thing that happens to me often. Maybe once a year? Maybe less? So that was weird. But it was a good nap and I felt a lot less tired when I woke up. I took the girls to the pool in the evening, while Jonas was at MtG with Seth. It was a good time. I just read while they played in the pool. 

       I took the kids to Meadow Park for church this morning by myself. It made me sad, but I didn't want to pressure Ben. I know he's still really sad and he wanted to finish up the power washing today. I'm also feeling sad though. My heart is hurting for Ben, I still really, really miss my church and my friends, and I don't know that I'm really ready to not be a part of Dwell. I haven't gone in a long time, and it does seem too hard to do it alone, but I miss it. Ben isn't budging right now, but he's not excited for Meadow Park either. Is he always going to be this tepid about church and fellowship? He acts like it's so important, but gives nothing of himself to contribute, no matter where we are. He was invited to at least three outings this weekend: disc golf yesterday morning, a concert yesterday afternoon/evening, and a dad's hangout with the kids this afternoon. He had no interest in participating in anything.  I went to a mom's after...

Ollie fought a little about going to BJJ this morning, but not too much, thankfully. She got her third stripe today! Lorena wasn't there to give it to her, and I know she was a little disappointed about that. But Caue is a close second.  Ben worked on power washing the deck for a lot of the day and I puttered around in the garden. I got some new fertilizers that I wanted to combine and spread under each plant. It was pretty time consuming, but I'm hopeful for my garden. Really, really wanting to get a good yield this year. Everyone is saying their gardens are stunted though because of the cold and rain at the beginning of the season. We'll see what the next couple of months bring!  I got to pick Jonas us this afternoon!!! I'm so happy he's home! Later, small group friends were getting together at the church to let their kids hang out for a couple hours, so we joined them for a little bit this evening, but didn't stay too long. Both Ollie and Ruby ended up gettin...

I felt conflicted about taking the girls to the Scott's pool this afternoon, and leaving Ben all alone, but he said he could probably use a little time by himself. So, we headed over there at 11:30 or so because the drive was a half-stinking-hour! The pool was nice though! I sat in the shade and read and visited with friends and relaxed, while the girls played with their friends and made new ones and had a good time.  We stayed there for a few hours, and Ben worked on power washing the back of the house. He also cleared the entire deck off so he can power wash the deck this weekend. It seems like too big a job! He's planning to tighten all the screws in the deck so that it will squeak less, too. A noble venture, but very time-consuming! Thankfully, he also took some time to play his video game and relax. As for me, I'm trying to cut out video games for the time being. It's too much of a time suck and I haven't been productive enough lately to sit around for hours pl...

Let the power washing begin! Ben is having a blast with his new toy tool. He worked hard ALL DAY, power washing the front of the house, sidewalk, and driveway. It looks fantastic! I weeded on the side of the house today, which was gross and took forever, but it needed to be done.  A friend at small group last night gave us $100 in gift cards to Chick-fil-A 😐😐😐 Insane! Because of their generosity, we went out to dinner and had Chick-fil-A tonight! It was a nice end to a long, sweaty day.  Still lots of texting and phone calls about Ben's dad today. He's so emotionally exhausted, but I think staying busy helped. 

Ben and I went to Home Depot today to buy some mulch and talked about home projects that we might work on this week. I'm voting to build a pathway from the driveway into the backyard, because the area gets so muddy and gross. It would look really nice! Ben loves the idea but feels overwhelmed about the cost of getting stones and the difficulty of digging out that compacted ground on that side of the house. He thinks he might get a power washer tomorrow and start power washing stuff around the house. It's something he's wanted to do for a long time, so that could be a good place to start. We also took the girls to the pool this afternoon. It's our first time going to the Hilliard Community Pool this season and I am already over it. 😅 It was PACKED and I hate getting into really full pools. The girls had fun, though, and I guess that's what really matters! I guess I'm just activity director for the summer. 

Ben decided to go into work for a couple of hours today, but he's going to use his bereavement leave for the rest of the week. Hazel decided to have the funeral on the 19th, which everyone is a little irritated about, but we'll make the best of it. The big kids were supposed to go to Cedar Point with the Meadow Park youth group that day and going to theme parks is just not a thing we typically do, so they were really looking forward to it. It's really sad they'll miss it! But it's not okay for the kids to skip their grandfather's funeral to go either. That's just the way life is sometimes.  Another way that life is sometimes is piling things on top of you when you already feel like you have enough going on, emotionally. My Aunt Steph called this morning and told me that grandpa Bill died yesterday. He and grandma have been married since I was in my early teens and, although he's never tried to be close to me, he was a good man and a good Christian, and I...

Today was tough. We had to text and call a lot of people. Ben was mostly inconsolable throughout the day. I went out for a little bit, just to get the girls out of the house. We went to the library for the kick-off of the summer reading challenge, and I have literally NEVER seen the library so full. We had to park in the very last row! As I was parking, I'm thinking 'why, oh why, did I come here???', but it ended up not being so bad inside, somehow. We went to the greenhouse room, and the kids did crafts and played with the McKeans. We really only stayed for about an hour because I wanted to get back to Ben, but I'm glad we went out. Christina brought dinner over tonight, which was very, very sweet. It was really nice to not have to worry about going to the store and cooking today.  Jonas has been updating us on his EPIC week. He seems to be having an awesome time. It's been really active and kind of exhausting, but he's having a blast.