Photo Journal - Josie Boettcher

I stayed up until 12:00am cleaning and doing laundry last night. I felt like I NEEDED the house to be clean so that I could come home to a clean house on Monday. Things are just so out of control with Ben right now. I haven't talked to anyone about it, but it has been really difficult. At least I can clean and know what the outcome will be from my efforts. I feel so sad for him and so freaking frustrated at the same time! Anyway, I probably didn't fall asleep until 2am and then was up at 7:30 today to start getting ready to leave. Ben had meetings in the morning, so I had a few hours to get everything done. We got out around 11am, which is several hours later than usual, but I think it's fine. Ben was having a full-blown panic attack when we left, so I ended up driving for a lot of the trip. Also fine. I'm just worried about him. The drive was how it always is. Long, boring, full of whining, but ok. Snacks and screens got us through it! A few minutes after we got to DE,...

As predicted, today was crazy busy. We left the house around 9:20 and headed to 4th St. I worked on the bulletin board for close to two hours and finished JUST in time to leave, run to McDonald's, and get to my staff meeting on time. After the staff meeting, we headed up to Westerville, where Ruby and Clemi had their first choir practice. Ollie and I ran to Walmart to grab snacks for the drive to DE and I spent an exorbitant amount of money. Truly, just ridiculous. For snacks. *face palm* I set up a lunch date with Irya and Jayna while I was out! I'm so glad I'll get to see them.  Once practice was over, I headed home. I feel like I did 100 things - cleaned, did laundry, signed kids up for stuff. Ben and I went on a quick date to Grandad's Pizza, since Maria was free for a little while. He's really been struggling lately and I wanted to get some alone time with him before going on a trip that I knew would make him even more stressed. It was good to get out.  *Ben ma...

We didn't go to Wild & Free today, because it has been terrible weather: rainy, cloudy, cold, and windy. I know some people went anyway, and Anne sent me a picture of Ezra covered in mud. I feel like I dodged a bullet! We ended up doing our last school day before spring break today, since tomorrow is shaping up to be a crazy day. I surprised myself by actually going to book club tonight, despite every cell in my body screaming at me that it wanted to stay home!!! It was a pretty fun night though. Some decent conversations and pretty good discussion about the book. I felt like I kind of had a mini opening for a spiritual discussion and I bypassed it because I didn't want to make everything weird. I wish I had just gone for it, but it's really hard sometimes! 

Our morning went pretty well, school-wise, and we got everything EVERYTHING done, which was so wonderful and never happens. Even French and art! Unfortunately, Jonas had a little temper tantrum about doing work around the time I was getting ready to take Ollie to the doctor. I was so pissed. He's constantly trying to get out of doing stuff! As little as he has to do, it's not little enough! It makes me feel like he is just so lazy. I want to believe he can be better, but sometimes I just don't know. And, as always, it brings me back to thinking about screens. That as much as he acts like it's not him just rushing to get to TV time, it actually is. I want to unplug the TV and only have it plugged in for family movies or something. It's driving me crazy.  Ollie has a really swollen and red eyelid that has been worsening since last Friday. I finally brought her to the doc, who told me it's a stye and that she needs warm compresses and antibiotics. They said if it d...

Anyone want my job?? Anyone? The morning was good, but incredibly busy. Asking every volunteer I saw if they're willing to stay on for the next program year, cleaning out cabinets, filling in gaps that absent volunteers left, taking kids to the bathroom, and on and on. Ben stayed home with Ruby and Ollie, so at least I didn't feel pressured to leave or rushed in any way.  Ben played MtG with a few guys this afternoon and I just hung out, cleaned, did laundry, and played Zelda. I also spent a few hours researching curriculum for next year. We use Sonlight and there are better deals now than there are in a week, so I really need to make my decisions and buy the bigger things before the price goes up by 20%.  Starting to feel really, really stressed! I have a lot of things to do and I feel like I don't have enough time to do them. It doesn't help that I also feel inept, like a huge loser, and like a failure on top of it all. I'm falling short in friendships, marriage, ...

Not much happened today, but we did have a visit with Anne and the boys. This is the first time I've had them over here for a play date in a VERY long time, but it went well! They didn't destroy the house and it wasn't too crazy loud. I was a little stricter with them than their typical at home rules, but I needed to be for my own sanity. We really just hung out for the rest of the day. I had a few errands to run - some of them I did with the kids, some alone. I got some delicious Indian food for dinner, which is something Ben hates, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE. 

We had a field trip to the Ohio Caverns today and it would have been SO cool! But this weird staff member followed around at the back of our group and yelled at Ollie (and also other small children) in a really mean way because she touched the walls. She shined her laser pointer all over her hands and face and yelled, "I SAID, DON'T touch the WALLS!" Predictably, Ollie started crying and never stopped. This happened in the first five minutes of the tour, so I got to drag/carry/push her through the next 40 minutes of caverns, while she hid her face in my coat and cried. Good times! And I paid $60 for us to be there! Bad review, here I come. The coolest part of the trip was that Erin asked if we wanted to ride with her, so she picked us up in her huge 12-passenger van and we all rode up and back together. It was nice to get to know her a little bit. She's got a good sense of humor and the kids had a really fun time hanging out with her kids.  After we got home, I did my...

I feel like there’s just something about days when I’m absolutely exhausted that makes it so I won’t be able to sleep that night. That’s what happened last night, anyway. I felt like I could just DROP onto the floor and fall asleep, and yet, when I went to bed, it took me hours. It was well after midnight the last time I checked the clock. And today was very busy. Of course. I had to be up and out of the house to get to co-op and teach my stupid dancing class.   It’s ok though! The day was fine. The class went well and I got to shadow the lady whose position I’m taking over, which I did enjoy. Not much else happened. We got home around 1, I did some laundry and some cleaning, made lunches, had a work call, played Zelda, was convinced to stay home from cell group, made pizzas, and watched Wonka. The end!

Jenny came over this morning and I had such a great time visiting with her! I’ve been feeling pretty bummed, but the hangout definitely cheered me up a bit. I think it’s important for me to get regular time with my friends, but I rarely make the space for it. Day time is always so busy with school, and co-ops, and field trips, and errands and then it feels like several evenings are full of obligations too (although it’s really only two of them), so I find myself feeling too busy to schedule time with my friends. And it’s sad because those times are so life giving to me…so much more than any group activity, which are just draining, as necessary as they may be sometimes. I think I should make it a goal to get more friend time happening in my life again. I used to see Brit weekly, and now I’m lucky if I see her monthly. I used to hang out with Anne at least a couple of times a month, and I never get time like that anymore. I never see Jen or Terracina or Christine or Kylienne…or anyone! I...

Happy Tuesday! I feel like it's Friday already. I don't know why. Maybe because I know we won't be doing much school for the rest of the week? Tomorrow, I have a hang out with Jenny and then my staff meeting...which I'm honestly considering skipping. They're just going to be discussing Easter and Easter is a bit of a sore spot for me right now. Thursday, we have co-op, which I am absolutely DREADING, because I hate teaching that class so damn much. And Friday, we have a field trip to the Ohio Caverns! Ben heads out for his cell retreat on Friday afternoon and I have no idea what we'll do all weekend.  I have my online book club with MJ this evening and I'm even dreading that! Ugh. Ridiculous that I dread every single thing that is outside of my normal sit at home and do nothing routine. Absolutely hating myself right now. 

First day of the school week! Spring break is right around the corner and I cannot wait. Honestly, I'd like to just get started today. Alas, we will do school anyway. It's going to be a busy week, without many chances to fit in whole school days, so I need to get the work done while I can.  Ben is in tons of pain today. I'm super sad today. We're quite a pair!...of terrible parents/human beings. 

Ollie woke us up, screaming her head off this morning. She saw a stink bug crawling on her. That was the cause of the screaming. At 7am. *sigh* So, we were all up! We headed to CT and did that, but I've been having a couple of really sad days lately, and wasn't really up for it. But I don't have a choice! I have no director and it feels like half of my volunteers are stepping down. Very disheartening. I'm feeling bummed about Oasis right now.  The rest of the day was pretty low key. Ben played MtG and I hung out, playing Zelda and reading. Also, we played a game of Yahtzee as a family. That's gotten to be a big thing around here lately. :) Hoping I can shake off this funk soon!

C.L. was acting crazy today! Patrick kept telling us she was super chill, but she's been going nuts, trying to get out of her little bin and seeming to be desperate to get outside. We put her outside for a while, but it was never enough! I think she spent like 3 hours out there, total, and was free, trying to get outside for many hours in addition to that.  Ben and I decided to leave the kids for a while to get the bags and to run to the grocery store for some snacks for the party tonight. We put C.L. in her bin and headed out. While we were gone, Jonas calls us in a panic saying that Murphy attacked Clem! He said he's never seen so much blood and was FREAKING OUT. I told him to have Clem get in the tub (if she's bleeding that much, I don't want to deal with a huge mess 😅) and that we'd be home ASAP. We shopped at the Giant Eagle down the street so that we'd be close by. We run home, and Clem has really deep gouges on her leg, arm, and hand. I feel so awful. He...

Okay, if yesterday was one of the best homeschool days I've ever had, today was one of the worst. Everyone was in a terrible mood (including me) and the day just dragged. The kids were pretty desperate to be done and so was I! At least we don't have anywhere to be. The kids were DYING for Christopher Lloyd to arrive and were so upset that she didn't come until almost bed time. But she's here! 

Today was a DREAM homeschool day. Everything went really smoothly, the weather was perfect for most of the day, and we got to do a lot of school outside. The kids even spent all their free time out in the yard, playing together (even Jonas!), rather than sitting inside begging for screens. I guess I don't have a ton of details to add to today's post, just that it was a fantastic, chill, relaxed and productive day. I'm sure it helps that my period is finally almost over. :) 

We had a field trip this morning. So much for getting started with our new homeschool plan! 😅 I had totally forgotten about it, but it was fun. We went to the Ohio Wildlife Center and met some cool animals and hung out outside. I couldn't have asked for a better thing to do on a warm, spring morning! Well, considering how heavy my period is, I guess I could have asked to just stay home, but you know what I'm saying. Thankfully, I had access to a decent bathroom.  We came home afterwards, even though we were invited to the zoo. I just needed an afternoon at home. It's been a busy week! I feel like we did something Monday afternoon too, but I can't remember now. I know we ended up being out for a long time yesterday. Anyway, the girls played outside for the entire day today. They even had quiet time outside! We even at dinner outside and did our science experiment outside! After dinner, Ben asked if we could do something as a family, and I suggested hiking. He's a li...

Oh, man. Today was a tough one emotionally. I took the kids to Wild & Free this morning and everything seemed to be going fine until this loose cannon kid in the group CHOKED Clemi! Like, literally put his hands around her neck and said he was going to kill her. Of course, the group of kids was far away, so I had to run up a hill to get to her and lecture the kid. I wasn't really sure how to feel at first, but, of course, the more I thought about it, the angrier I became. This kid has hurt other kids in the group and threatens to hurt kids every single week. He calls everyone terrible names and tells them he's going to kill them if they tell on him. It's very, very upsetting and kind of makes me want to stop bringing the kids. But at the same time, I feel for the mom, because she's dealing with him all the time, and I also feel for the kid! Because what tf is actually going on in his household that he feels he has to constantly have the power in a situation and cont...

The kids and I had a long talk about homeschooling today. Since the new year, it feels like we've all been doing the bare minimum and we're ALL feeling frustrated about it in our own ways. Jonas, although he acts like he's desperate to be done early every day, says he's really missing the structure and investment I gave at the beginning of the year. It hurts his feelings when I haven't even checked over his work, let alone give him verbal feedback. Clemi is upset that we've stopped doing art and French, two of her favorite things. She said it makes her miss school more when she doesn't get to do electives, which does make sense. Ruby and Ollie didn't have anything to add, but I did tell them to expect to sit at their desks for most of the morning and not get to just run away and play loudly in the other room. I told them we were going to go back to doing things like we did at the beginning, where we have a quiet school room that we're all in for the ...

I went alone to church this morning, thanks to the time change. Two of the kids weren't even awake by the time I left at 8:35, so we just figured Ben would stay here with them and finish prepping for Ollie's party tonight. CT went really smoothly, but I had to start asking people for their commitments for Oasis for the next year and it is SO stressful. I was really optimistic at the beginning! But I got lots of people saying they aren't going to continue on next year. I know that happens and people have their lives and nobody should over-extend themselves, but at the same time, I just feel panicked that I'm not going to get enough good volunteers to take their places.  After CT, we realized we don't have all that much to do to get ready for the party, because it's more just having a couple of friends over for dinner than having a big ho-down. :) And we don't have an oven, so there's no cooking going on over here! We ordered some pizzas, put out some frui...

It kind of felt like this is my one day off this week, even though I often have pretty relaxed days. We ended up not doing much, other than a trip to the grocery store with the WHOLE FAMILY. Ben insisted. It wasn't fun. But we also got to go pick up the bags! Woo! We let the kids stay up late to play a game with us and I had three glasses of wine. That's about it! 

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY TO OLLIE!!!! It has been a wild and wonderful five years with her. There are a lot of days when I feel completely overwhelmed and incapable of parenting four children well, and there are a lot of times when Ollie's temper makes me want to SCREAM, BUT. I'm so grateful. I'm so, so grateful for this little girl who has pushed me to become a more patient, more flexible, and more loving parent. Ollie is full of spunk, indignation haha, generosity, and love. This year she started learning to swim, started learning to ride her bike, and started learning to read. She negotiates like a pro, she loves to run, play, dance, and sing, and she loves spending one on one time with me. There are days when she is totally willing to go with the flow, learn like a champ in homeschool, and head up to bed right on time, and there are other days when the answer to all the things is "no". I never know what kind of day it's going to be! Thank you, sweet Ollie, for k...

Happy Thursday! Still continuing on with overwhelm but feeling a little less anxious about it today. We went to co-op this morning and it went really well. Cooking class was fun, dance class was fun, AND I got elected to be on the leadership committee! I think it'll be a good fit for me. And although it will require additional thought time (and real time), I won't have to devote any more time to class planning! And running a class makes me anxious and upset, so I'm very grateful to not have to do that anymore.  Lots of prep for Ollie's birthday! Ben and I got into a stupid fight about him being lazy and he was super pissed that I called him out for it. He ended up apologizing, but it's still tough to go to group when I'm all upset. It was a good night though. I was worried I'd have a ton of wrapping and decorating to do when I got home, but he had done almost everything!