May 11, 2021 - Tuesday (218/365)


Day 218 of my 365 Photo Journal 

I'm so glad to be doing things indoors again! I'm kind of glad for the forced time outside over the last many months, but it's still nice to just sit on the couch in my sweatpants and visit with friends. Jenny and kiddos came over today, which is always fun, and we chose our next thing to study. It's been a while since I've read through Romans, so it will be really good to have that refresher! 

Ben's mom has been doing pretty bad lately. She's been in the hospital for almost a week and is supposed to be moved to a rehab facility today. I talked to the nurse, who said that technically, she could be ok, but she's not up for eating and won't push herself to move. She just feels too weak. The nurse said that her blood work is pretty good and her vitals are great, but to Ben and I it almost seems like she's lost the will to try anymore. Ben, understandably, has been pretty distraught. Things haven't been great between him and his mom over the last decade, at least, and he's having a lot of feelings about what is going on with her. He's strongly considering heading out there this week to spend some time with her and potentially motivate her to try again. I understand why he feels like that would be important. At the same time, I am filled with anxiety and dread at the thought of him leaving. It feels just like it did when I was going to fly away (when I let myself dwell on it, which I'm trying really hard not to do!). It's just this feeling like he'll never come back. Like, going out there is a permanent decision that will result in death. I hate this anxiety and how it makes me feel, but I have no idea how to stop the spiraling before it gets too bad. Anxiety or no, if Ben decides to go, I'm behind him. I'll just have to try and keep myself busy.

In related news, apparently we're having a gasoline shortage. I'm also trying not to think about this. It could completely ruin summer vacations...again. It could mess up anything that we do that we have to drive to! For this spiral, I'm just imagining being completely stuck in the house all over again: busses not being able to drive the kids to school, friends not being able to get to home church, riding bikes to pick up groceries, and on and on. This isn't the worst of the worst, but it does feel really sad. It would also be so awful to have to cancel our summer trips. Our beach trip in a few weeks would refund us, but I honestly don't think the Maine home owner would. I'm just hoping that this won't be too long-lived or too extreme.


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