October 1, 2021 - Friday (361/365)


Day 361 of my 365 Photo Journal

I spent so much of today feeling totally overwhelmed. It's not like anything that crazy is happening, just feeling like there's too much that's falling behind and not enough time to catch up with all of it. It got better by the end of the day, but man, I really got in my head for a while. 

I was thinking tonight about regrets. I don't have a lot of them. I used to think that I had none, because I really love where my life is right now and if anything had been different in my past, who knows if I would have ended up here. No matter the mistakes I've made, I'd still live life the same if it meant I ended up here with my wonderful Benny and our four insane/wonderful/beautiful/overwhelming kids. But, the truth is, there are some things in my life that I regret. Here are the things I could think of: 

* I regret not having been more of a joiner in high school. I really loved theater stuff, art, French, and, honestly, just being a part of things. But, rather than going all in on any of those things, I went halfway in or not in at all. I had no school spirit and I kept nearly everyone at arm's length. I missed out on a lot of fun times having that attitude. 

* I wish I would have invested in myself more. After my parents divorced, dad and MJ probably would have let me throw myself into anything creative that I wanted. I was so into woodworking and art, but instead of staying home and really working on a craft and getting great at it, I went out and drove to the gas station, and smoked cigarettes, and hung out with Lena and a bunch of losers from our respective neighborhoods. WASTED MY FREAKING LIFE!!!

* I wish that I had broken up with Danny, like, RIGHT AWAY. I knew within a month that he was a cheater, but for who knows what freaking reason, I stayed with him. Talk about wasting life. I spent years hating my life so much, believing I was unlovable, feeling valueless and worthless. I quit everything, had no friends, and barely spent time with my family. Every day of that relationship was wasted time and I regret it. So much. If I had just dumped him, I could have built deeper relationships with my college friends and continued on in gospel choir, rather than humiliating myself by being with Danny and then quitting out of shame. 

That's pretty much it, that I can think of. There's no point to regrets, truthfully, but I can't help what I think about! I hope that I can use some of these bad choices to guide my children towards making better choices for their own lives. It can be hard to put yourself out there, to stand up for yourself, to VALUE yourself and pay attention to your passions, but you need to! It took time for me to realize that I was selling myself short, but I don't feel like I've had to do that at all since being with Ben. He encourages me to be my full self and, when I have time, I do give myself space to pursue my passions. I'm so thankful for the life I have now!

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