June 4, 2023 - Sunday



It is finally over!!! The first day of the Oasis new year is done and it went SO WELL. Every room went smoothly. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Or the volunteers hid the chaos very well. I spent almost 3 hours having long conversations with many, many people and it was entirely exhausting, but I felt good coming home and knowing that God answered so many prayers for this day to happen the way it did. Yes, I do have a list a mile long of things that need to be taken care of/acquired, but I'm thankful that I have volunteers who are invested and willing to come to me about the things they think would make this program better. 

I am very strongly considering quitting BrandSwan. Okay, let me backtrack. On the way home yesterday, Ben asked me if I'm happy with my life and motherhood. My hackles instantly raised, but I paused and considered. Yes, I'm happy. So, he asked, why don't you ever seem happy? He said that I always seem put out by the kids and like I just want my time with them to be over. While I was very tempted to say something like, well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black??? I thought for a while. And, sadly, he's right. At least to an extent. Where did my joy in parenting go over the years? It's like I reached this overwhelmed threshold and, even though I'm no longer overwhelmed, I still behave like I am. Like I can't squeeze in ONE MORE GD THING OR I WILL EXPLODE. But why? My kids are not the ones pushing me to that point anymore. I mean, obvs there are still frustrating times, and we have plenty of issues to deal with, but I'm not in a constant state of overwhelm because of them. It's something else. 

I feel like there's a veil over my eyes. Like I cannot wait for my time watching Ollie's tricks to end so that I can get back to work or I cannot wait for Jonas's clap-out to be over so I can get back to...work. As I was thinking through what is pulling at me all the time, it's not laziness, or reading, or video games, or my phone, or tv even. It's work. So where are my priorities? I feel like I definitely prioritize God, fellowship, and evangelism and most other God-related stuff, but parenting isn't at the top of the list anymore. I even struggle to keep Ben up there. And yeah, maybe I needed to not worship my children and put them ahead of everything else (like I spent some years doing), but I shouldn't be putting WORK, of all things, ahead of them. I should map out where my priorities are currently and where I want them to be. I want to spend this time that I'm given being a mother of young kids actually ENJOYING and APPRECIATING this chance that I have. I don't want to wish it away. I don't want to waste it working a stressful job that pulls my attention from my children and distracts me all day long. I don't want to disappoint Jane and I don't want to stop bringing that money in, but I'm feeling like I'm going to have to do it. It's a lot to think through. 

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