Photo Journal - Josie Boettcher

Today was a really tough day. We did school this morning, then Clem had a doctor's appointment, then dad and MJ got here, then we had choir, then we had another choir. And all through it, I've been upset about things with Ben. I'm glad my parents got here safely, though. It should be a good visit. Tomorrow is Halloween! 

Dude. I wish I could have a couple of days in a row without Ben telling me, "I think you should...XYZ." It's become an almost daily thing, Ben telling me how he feels like I should be improving myself. Why is he constantly doing this now? When I bring it up with him, he's like, "I'm not letting you steamroll me anymore. If I see an issue, I think it's right to bring it up." But it's all subjective. These are just his freaking opinions on what he likes and doesn't like about me. And then he can't understand when I'm feeling distant and frustrated with him. I bring stuff up with him that I don't like too, like how he NEVER starts the damn dishwasher and we all wake up in the morning to grab bowls and they're still sitting in there dirty! But at least I don't present it in such a high and mighty way, like I've already discovered the secrets to maintaining perfection and here's how I think he should fix himself so that...

I was in a very grumpy mood today. I got my stupid period and it was a Monday. PLUS, I knew pumpkin carving was going to be in the evening. I've been dreading it. We got school done pretty easily, although I raised my voice once or twice, which I don't usually do anymore. After school, I had to take all of the kids to the doctor for Jonas's annual physical. I messaged two local friends to see if either of them could watch the girls for an hour, but neither could, and I didn't want to reach out to anyone far away and inconvenience myself with the drive, so I just took them all. It was fine. I threatened to cancel pumpkin carving if they didn't behave, so they behaved perfectly! I had to leave them out in the waiting room alone during Jonas's physical, but they did well. We grabbed a pickup from Target on the way home and I got Jonas some Starbucks for being a big, brave boy for his shots. 😅 We got home and Ben arrived just a couple of minutes after us. He cooked...

We all headed to church this morning...sans Jonas. It was fine. It's getting a little less weird being there and I'm starting to get used to the music. Not easy! We had most of the afternoon to relax and then I started to prep food for dinner with the Shauls. They came over around 4:30 and we had a great visit. It's crazy how well Kylienne and I get along now. She was so cold for the first couple of years, but it's like she gets warmer and warmer every time I see her now, even though it's typically just once a month. I wonder what her love language is. I literally have no idea! And we even read the book together years ago. She and Travis are really sad about us moving. They mentioned a couple of times that they feel less tethered to staying in the city because most of their friends have left, and now we're leaving too. I hinted to them that DE has beaches (since Travis wants to live at the beach) and that it wouldn't be far from his sisters in PA! I'm no...

Today was a really fun day! I ended up cancelling plans with Kylienne this morning so that I could get food ready. I baked 5 dozen cookies in preparation for the house concert we were invited to later today. So yummy! Around 2, we headed to the concert/chili cook-off. The singer was awesome, the kids had a blast, and I had a lot of fun visiting with friends. We hung out there for a couple of hours and then Ben rushed us out, as usual. We had to hurry home so that we could sit around and do nothing for the rest of the night. Which we did.  I wish I had taken some better photos today. It was a really beautiful day. 

This morning, we went to Sarah's house for a playdate/hangout. I ended up talking to Jenalee for almost the whole time and that was awesome. Praise God there is one woman in this group that actually talks! She's only around a couple of times a year, though, since her family travels full time. They're just in town for November...and maybe not even the whole month. We had to leave the play date a little early (womp womp) so that I could go to the car dealership for a 15k mile maintenance (womp womp again). It sucked. I sat there for hours and paid $300 to do it. And, sadly, Jonas had to miss his board game hangout on Karl Rd. because I couldn't get to/from the car dealership on Georgesville in time to drop him off and pick him up. We had a relaxing evening at home tonight!

Since we didn't go to our field trip today, we got school done. I'm really relieved, honestly, because I made plans with small group ladies for tomorrow morning and I had no idea when we were supposed to get the rest of the week's curriculum done. Aside from doing school work, we didn't do too much. Ollie had gymnastics and I was SO looking forward to chilling with my Starbucks, reading my book. Sadly, it was "exhibition" day or something, so all of the parents had to sit in there and watch the kids run around for the whole hour. It's cool to see their tricks and whatnot, but just watching them going through their whole class? Not for me. 

It's hump day! And my busiest day of the week. We did school in the morning, then me and Clem left around 1:30 for choir #1. I got to visit with Brit for a little while, while Clem was at choir, which was great. Then I picked her up and ran to grab Ruby to get to choir #2. BUT, while I was waiting for Clem to get in the car, I chatted with Kristen for a few minutes who told me that the field trip I signed up for tomorrow is TWO HOURS away!!!!!!! I literally had no idea. I'm freaking out about it. I just cannot imagine driving four hours to take the kids to a field trip tomorrow. So, after talking it over with Ben, I cancelled. And I feel horrible. I cannot stand to not do something I said I was going to do. It makes me feel so awful. Besides that, I know how hard it is to get these field trips organized. It's stressful! Also, CACH has a reservation at this place and that means that there will be less people there than we committed to having on the field trip and that makes ...

We had Wild & Free this morning, and it went great. The park was beautiful and the weather was nice (although it got a little too warm eventually). I went in with the goal of NOT rushing out of there. I have this tendency to always feel like I'm in a rush and it drives me nuts. Everyone else always seems so relaxed at group and I'm just checking the time constantly and rushing out before we eat lunch. So I packed lunch and we hung around until 1 or so. I even took the kids into the nature center at the end, but I did not let them stay long. We literally had nowhere to be. I was just sick of not being at home!  I went to my online book club in the evening, which was pretty fun. This is the first time I've ever attended when MJ wasn't there. It didn't actually make any difference, but it did feel weird at first. 

It's just not fair for me to write these posts after the fact. My whole mood has shifted in the last few days. I remember feeling optimistic and happy on Monday! However, at this point, my period starts in 4 days and PMS has fully set it.  Anyway, I didn't take a picture this day, so here's a cute one of Ollie from a couple of years ago. 

I took the girls to Meadow Park alone this morning...again. It's actually fine for me, going alone. Ben just adds an element of stressfulness to everything.  I started a new video game today that I'm not sure I like. I thought I'd love it, but it's just ok. And I kind of don't like going into the basement to play. For dinner, I met with Rachel at a Mexican restaurant on Bethel. It was fine, but not great. We had some decent conversation, but plenty of lulls where we just kind of sat there waiting for some new topic of conversation to come up. A homeless guy was waiting outside of the restaurant door when we came out and asked us for money, while following us through the dark parking lot. I did not appreciate it at all! First of all, don't try to intimidate me into giving you money. Second of all, you're drunk and being inappropriate. I was very close to lecturing him. He called me defensive and I was like, "You're damn right I'm defensive."...

I got to sleep in a little today, which was nice. I made breakfast for 4 of us and then read my book for a while. We ate some lunch that I cooked, AGAIN (why am I cooking so much today??) and then we headed to Alum Creek Campground to visit with HC friends for a couple of hours. We were feeling a lot of nerves about this. It's been long enough that we have started to believe that we're not welcome anymore and that people don't like us or want us around. But I've been on the other side in HC, wishing friends would just come back and visit sometimes, so that's more likely how most people feel. I thought the visit was comfortable and fun, but Ben felt pretty awkward. I mean, that's kind of how it always goes for Ben. It's ok. I wasn't expecting anything transformational, honestly.  After we got home, Maria stopped by for a visit!! The kids were so excited to see her. She just hung out for 10 minutes, but it was still really nice to see her. Then Ben and I w...

They're finally gone! I know it's a terrible thing to celebrate, but it was an awkward visit and I'm really glad to just have the house back to myself. I can sit around with no bra on, in my OWN spot, and do whatever I want (namely, read), without any feelings of obligation towards anyone else. I am relieved.  We did school today and it went smoothly. We spent the rest of the day and night relaxing. :)

We had CACH co-op today and finished up the second half of our yearbook photos. I think it went well! It was a much busier than last time, so I didn't get any time to talk to Lauren. She was trying to talk to me about marriage stuff that was going on with Kyle, but I never got any specifics. Marriage stuff is relatable though! I feel like Ben and I are almost always going through something nowadays. Not today, thankfully. Evie and JJ were home when we got back, so we sat together watching tv. Yay. I took the kids to the library while Evie and JJ got ready to go to the concert, then cooked some dinner. I was hoping to go to cell group tonight, but Evie says she's not going to stay there for long and Ben doesn't want to be left alone with them at the house. I can't blame him. It's honestly been really tough! I never realized how hard it was to talk to Evie until this trip. She literally makes hardly any effort at all to relate, and JJ just doesn't speak. It has no...

It was a typical crazy Wednesday for us over here. Ben is FREAKING OUT about work and I am working harder at tuning him out, which is awful. But how many times can a woman listen to her husband have a panic attack over something "crazy" happening at work? It's been constantly crazy for him for weeks...months! He knows how sick of it I am, but he can't help himself.  We had a field trip to Orchard & Co. with CACH this morning. Always tons of fun there! They reserve the place for you when you book a field trip, so it's not crowded at all and you can take pictures without having to worry about getting everyone else's kids in them. We did lots of fun stuff and, while I felt guilty leaving Evie and JJ alone most of the day, it was good to give the kids that experience.  I got to hang out at home for one hour and then had to take Clem up to Westerville for her special choir with Ms. Kristen. Downside was driving 35 minutes to get there. Upside was getting to han...

We skipped Wild & Free this morning so that we could get some school work done. We took yesterday off, tomorrow is a field trip, and Thursday is co-op! We have to get some book education sometimes. The kids did great, and we finished up at about noon. After that, I really spent the rest of the day prepping and cooking dinner (white chicken chili) and getting the house semi-clean, so I wouldn't be embarrassed to have people over. It's really the floors. Like, I make people take their shoes off just so they can step all over cat food and crumbs?? It doesn't make sense. So I needed to get the floor cleaned.  Evie and JJ got here shortly after dinner. He seems like a nice guy, I guess? It's really hard to tell when a person doesn't talk. I do know that he refused to even eat a bite of the food I cooked for dinner. Not a great first impression. He also didn't drink any water at all or have any snacks in the evening. So.......I don't know. I'm offended, bu...

Ben is off for Columbus Day, so I let the kids have off today too. It could be a mistake, homeschooling-wise? But sometimes you just want a break. Even though we kind of had a break all last week. Alas, what's done is done. Ben told me today that looking at me reminds him of Invasion of the Body Snatchers . I say I'm the same as ever, but when he looks in my eyes, all he sees is hatred. I feel like that's pretty dramatic, but I did think on what he said a bit. After thinking for a little bit, I had to go back to him and admit to him that I'm still struggling with our relationship. I brought up a few of the things that I'm having a hard time with, and we talked about them for a little while. I don't know that I feel so much better, necessarily, but it's better to talk about these things than continue letting them fester. I guess.  We took the kids to Hibachi for lunch! They always have so much fun there. We had a fun chef, and all of the kids actually eat the...

I took the girls to church this morning, while Ben and Jonas stayed home. Ben had some work to do and Jonas just doesn't love being in the main service. He gets pretty bored, understandably. I'm also bored, so I get it. But I sat in a different seat than usual, and I think I preferred that to our normal spot.  In the afternoon, Ben went and played MtG for a while and I read and watched Call the Midwife. I truly have not been getting a lot done around the house lately. I've been in a funk and haven't even been trying to crawl out of it. I've kind of surrendered.  In the evening, Jonas went to HC and I met with Jenny for dinner! Highlight of my week, for sure. We had such a fun time. It was great to catch up and talk about life for a while. Definitely cheered me up! We might even go visit people while they're camping next Saturday, if I can convince Ben. And I *might* go to cell on Thursday, if it works out. Evie will be here, but that's the night she's go...

Today was pretty relaxed. In the afternoon, we went to the Fall Fest through Meadow Park. It was at a member's farm and it was really great. The girls all got to ride a horse and they all got several turns! All the kids fed different farm animals and had hot chocolate and hot dogs. There were games, face painting, a hay ride, and a chili cook off. Such a good time for them! For Ben and I, though, it just kind of highlighted how few people we know in this congregation...compounding my feelings of loneliness here! Why do the kids have to love it so darn much?? Only two people out of our small group were there and they were both working, so we didn't talk to anyone at all. The kids were having a ton of fun though and it was good enough to watch them doing their things. Ben and I played a game of cornhole and somehow I won. :)  Oh, and all the girls got haircuts today! Clem and Ruby just got trims, really. Ruby needed like 3 inches cut off of her bangs, but otherwise the same. But ...

We got up early and went to our LHM co-op today. It didn't go much better than usual. Ruby and Clem were desperate to leave by the time it ended, and I was in a terrible mood from me and Ben's sucky-ness. But it went ok. Honestly, maybe it felt a little faster than usual? Praise God for that! We did stay for lunch and I got to visit with Anne a little. Jillian and Christine came over and sat with me for a few, right before I was getting ready to leave. I miss Christine, but it's always been tough to get regular time with her.  After co-op, I ordered Chick-fil-A for Ben and I and Ben had a little gift on the counter for me, which was sweet. The afternoon was super chill. I read some and we watched Call the Midwife... TWO episodes of it! Barbara dies, if anyone cares. Me, Clem, and Ollie couldn't stop crying.  Me, Ben and the bigger kids played Ticket to Ride in the evening. Crazy that they're old enough to play real games nowadays!

Things came to a head with Ben today, as they always do eventually. We didn't argue, necessarily. We're just both so exhausted with each other. We talked more frankly than usual about how we don't enjoy being with each other. Not pleasant at all. There was no real resolution. We agreed to pray for our relationship and for each other and to try to focus on what we like about each other more over the next few days. We're going to try to get a date in this weekend. Woo. Aside from constant tension with Ben, the day was pretty uneventful. We did school in the morning and then I took Ollie to gymnastics in the afternoon. I read A LOT. I was kind of hoping it was a girl's cell night so that I could potentially go, but it was not, and next Thursday Evie will be in town, so I can't go then.  It's pizza and a movie night tonight and we watched Uncharted together, which was a pretty fun action movie. The kids pretended to be pirates and fought for 20 minutes after it ...

I brought the kids to the zoo on Monday and the movies yesterday. Today, we did nothing! I mean, we did school, of course, and then the girls had choir later, but I didn't do a "fun" kind of thing with them today. Granted, it was a pretty slow day because of that, but I did get chili and bread ready, so we had a good dinner. I'm still just struggling emotionally, is the truth. I have no motivation. I don't want to do anything, ever. I have stalled on the projects I started two weeks ago, when I was feeling more drive to get stuff done. I sat and read for the majority of the afternoon! I'm annoyed with Ben because we've been considering this huge property in DE and I really think it could work, but today he sent me a listing for an ugly little flip house near Patrick's and spent 20 minutes telling me how awesome it would be. How can I even think something like that would be awesome when we were just looking at 28.5 acres and building a house exactly to ...

I woke up in the middle of the night last night puking, for some reason. I have no idea why, but that was awful. I don't feel bad today and we did a little bit of school this morning. I'm still going along with the idea of having an easy school week, since we would have been away, if I'd stuck with my plans.  I finally talked to Ben about some of the things that have been weighing on my mind lately. It's hard to confide in him because it feels like he's always arguing with everything I say. I used to feel like he was my biggest supporter, but I don't feel like that anymore. He doesn't seem to like me much at all. But I digress. The fact is, I did finally talk to him about some of my stresses: church stuff being one of them, future career thoughts, and concerns about potentially being members of the same church as my ex when we get back to DE being another. He actually gave me some good advice and I was glad I shared with him. I wish we weren't distanced ...

Since I called off the Delaware trip, I decided to do a light week of school work, like we would have done if we were there. I had no real reason to cancel the trip, honestly. Just feeling overwhelmed with life right now and didn't want to make the drive alone. I also suspected I'd be responsible for cooking all of the meals and I just couldn't meal plan, shop, cook, and wash dishes in my parent's tiny kitchen for the whole week. I couldn't tell MJ that, but that was a big part of my decision making for the trip. Also, plans weren't really working out with the Boettchers and that made me feel frustrated. But that's just the Boettchers. They kind of suck, really.  So, today, I went to the zoo with Christina's family and Sarah's family. Dude. I am... I don't even know. These ladies just don't talk! The kids have such a blast together and it is great that so many people from small group also homeschool, but I am having to draaaagggg myself to ha...

I guess I'm going to do this lumped blog post again, since I haven't been keeping up with writing/journaling lately. I don't know how, exactly, to describe what's happening with me, emotionally. It's not quite depression, but there is no motivation or drive either. I really want to quit everything and do nothing. See nobody. Disappear. At least for a little while.  On Wednesday, I didn't do much. We started looking into a property in Delaware that's entirely undeveloped. It's 28.5 acres with no house on it or anything. A friend of mine that I used to be really close with owns with property next door and homeschools her kids. It would be cool to be able to get that land, but it may just be too 'pie in the sky' to be realistic for us. We are going to keep looking into it though, just to see! I did not go to small group. I'm just struggling with which direction to head in, fellowship/church-wise.  Thursday, we had co-op and I supervised photo ta...

We went to Wild & Free this morning, which was really nice. I had some good conversations and the weather was decent, although kind of muggy and warm for October. I knew we had an entire day of school to get done afterwards, though, so I did not pack lunch for us. Instead, we headed home at lunch time and got to work soon after.  I did take almost an HOUR to call MJ and talk to her though. I haven't taken time for a long phone call with her in a while, and I know it hurts her feelings when I don't make time for those. I was rethinking my DE trip and I wanted to see how she would feel if I cancelled it. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed about packing and being away from Ben for a week. I also keep thinking I'll end up having to plan meals and cook the whole time I'm there, which is disproportionately stressing me out. Also, none of my plans seem to be panning out. After talking to her, I made up my mind to stay home. I might try to do some fun things next week thou...