October 9, 2024 - Wednesday

I brought the kids to the zoo on Monday and the movies yesterday. Today, we did nothing! I mean, we did school, of course, and then the girls had choir later, but I didn't do a "fun" kind of thing with them today. Granted, it was a pretty slow day because of that, but I did get chili and bread ready, so we had a good dinner. I'm still just struggling emotionally, is the truth. I have no motivation. I don't want to do anything, ever. I have stalled on the projects I started two weeks ago, when I was feeling more drive to get stuff done. I sat and read for the majority of the afternoon!

I'm annoyed with Ben because we've been considering this huge property in DE and I really think it could work, but today he sent me a listing for an ugly little flip house near Patrick's and spent 20 minutes telling me how awesome it would be. How can I even think something like that would be awesome when we were just looking at 28.5 acres and building a house exactly to our specifications? He, of course, is also annoyed with me because before we started looking at this big property, I might have also been excited about the ugly little flip he found. I'm not ready to just turn away from the prospect of having a dream house on a dream property, without even finding out if it's something we could do! As I feared, Ben is too overwhelmed and afraid of the risks to genuinely even consider this. So now we're kind of back at square one. Not able to talk to each other because we don't want to fight. Neither of us willing to put real hope into anything, knowing that the other will crush those hopes before they can come to fruition. I wish we could have less strife in our household! We don't seem to agree on anything lately and neither of us wants to back down. Actually, Ben told me recently that he's done with letting me walk all over him. WTF??? I've been walking all over HIM? In what ways?? I am so confused and frustrated.

I led small group discussion tonight and somehow offended Ben during that too, so he sat sulkily, doodling the whole time I was leading, not participating at all. Apparently, I shared an anecdote that I thought was funny and he thought "made him sound like the worst person in the world". It was about him acting like childbirth was as hard for him as it was for me. It's not like I presented it in a serious or attacking kind of way! Everyone in the group is a couple and all of them have kids. Every man in that room experienced childbirth in some way and everyone seemed to think it was funny. Who would think he was the worst person in the world for that?? But, alas, I humiliated him and had to spend the drive home apologizing and getting lectured. I am just ready to quit. I should have gone to DE and taken a break.

I didn't take any pictures today, so here are a couple from the zoo on Monday.