October 7, 2024 - Monday

Since I called off the Delaware trip, I decided to do a light week of school work, like we would have done if we were there. I had no real reason to cancel the trip, honestly. Just feeling overwhelmed with life right now and didn't want to make the drive alone. I also suspected I'd be responsible for cooking all of the meals and I just couldn't meal plan, shop, cook, and wash dishes in my parent's tiny kitchen for the whole week. I couldn't tell MJ that, but that was a big part of my decision making for the trip. Also, plans weren't really working out with the Boettchers and that made me feel frustrated. But that's just the Boettchers. They kind of suck, really. 

So, today, I went to the zoo with Christina's family and Sarah's family. Dude. I am... I don't even know. These ladies just don't talk! The kids have such a blast together and it is great that so many people from small group also homeschool, but I am having to draaaagggg myself to hang out with them. Here's the thing. For years, I complained that people in our group claimed to want to "do life together" and all that stuff, but couldn't be bothered to actually hang out with each other (*cough cough* ME). I often felt left out of things and unwanted and indignant and angry! In this group, I'm included in each and every thing and they are really doing life together. They are together a couple of days a week, aside from church things, just hanging out and getting the kids around each other. It's what I always wanted, but just with people I don't really want to be around. And I know that's such a shitty thing to say/feel! But it's really hard for me to hang out with them! I miss MY people! I miss laughing and actually enjoying my hangouts with people. I feel like I just endure hangouts nowadays. So, as Ben gets more involved in the lives of the guys in the group and begins to like them more and more, I find myself pulling away from the ladies because they're so hard to spend time with. One is just so shy that she rarely speaks at all. One is literally on her phone, scrolling through Facebook, the whole time we're together...EVERY TIME. She is a constant complainer and we rarely are able to get into any kind of conversation. One is actually easy to talk to, but her kids are really needy and pull her away from conversation every time we get one started. I'm trying to just get used to not having meaningful conversations with people, but it makes me lonely! And I'm clearly entirely selfish, as evidenced by this whole blog post. Yuck.

After the zoo, Clem had a filling and we ran a few errands. Ben and I got into an argument about his nerve pain and how it seems (IMO) to be doing a lot better when he doesn't drink. He completely denies that, which I think is super annoying. He just keeps saying, "correlation DOES NOT equal causation!" and nothing makes me feel like he has a drinking problem more than dumb shit like that. He has been in terrible nerve pain for months and finally took a break from drinking 3 days ago. Guess what! His nerve pain stopped 2 days ago! But they're unrelated in his opinion and I just want to hit him.