June 30, 2025 - Monday



Why is marriage so darn hard??? While we were at the pool again this morning, Ben asked me a bunch of times if anything was wrong and I eventually came out and said that I was having a really hard time with his negativity. We got to talk about how terrible our relationship is for a while, which was just an absolute blast, then got interrupted by our oblivious (and I'm grateful they are!) children. We hung at the hotel until about 11, then came home. It was a pretty relaxed day, other than more serious relationship talks...and a big, huge hair issue.

So, I've been cutting Ben's hair since we started dating. Occasionally, I cut it a little shorter than he likes, but that's as bad as it's ever been. Today I really messed up. I finished most of his hair and saw a spot I missed, so I put the guard on the clippers and went to shave it off. Unfortunately, it was the WRONG GUARD and I shaved extremely close to his scalp for a 4 inch stripe on his scalp. I thought he was going to kill me. He was so incredibly pissed. It took him like 15 minutes to calm down enough to even speak and then it was only to freak out, saying he's going to have to shave his whole head and he's going to look like an idiot and how could I do this to him. About a half hour after that, he apologized for talking to me that way but was still crying about how his hair looks. In the midst of that upset, we got back into relationship talking and, after a while, decided we're going to commit to a date every week (which we've been trying to do anyway), but also to either choose a book to read together or to find a counselor. I'd be happy to do either, but knowing that I have to bear the full weight of any administrative tasks, I'm leaning more towards a book so that I don't have to find, call, and attempt to schedule sessions with a counselor, considering Ben is the only one with scheduling conflicts, so I'd have to go back and forth with him endlessly to find a good time and day!!! Anyway, it's good for us to keep trying to take steps forward, it's just all so freaking overwhelming! I feel like I'm going to explode just typing this. I'm so tired of having to constantly try. Why couldn't Ben and I have ended up with people that we naturally just get along with? Or are we just too f'd up to naturally get along with anyone and this is the best it would ever get with another human being?? I have no idea. But I'm tired. I'm so tired and I feel so unloved and unlovable. I miss romance and butterflies in my stomach and intimacy and I'm so sick of Ben right now that I don't even want those things with him. God, change my heart!!! Please, Lord, fix it! 

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