September 11, 2021 - Saturday (341/365)
It's Gabe's birthday today and unlike many years, it didn't weigh too heavily on my mind throughout the day. I did normal things: took care of the kids, read a book, started painting the kitchen, played in the backyard, watched TV, and talked to my parents. It wasn't until Ben and I were laying in bed that I started thinking about how I can't remember any of Gabe's birthdays anymore (while he was alive). Not only that, but I can't remember his voice and I can't remember his laugh. So much of the memory of my relationship with my brother has been stolen by time and it's terribly sad for me. In a normal day, I don't feel sad about Gabe very often. He crosses my mind every day, but I don't feel like I'm constantly grieving anymore. He's just missing from life. And that's the day-to-day reality of losing someone who was very close to you. You learn to live without them, but their absence is always felt to some degree. That is different than trying to recall a specific memory or aspect of their character and realizing you can't anymore. That's when real pain hits. When real grief sweeps over you like a wave and you're lost in it again. It all comes back, how devastating it was to lose them and how much more awful things are without them. But at this point, 21 years later, after a few minutes of crying, I'm back to normal. Thinking about Gabe, but not really grieving him. Living my life without him in it. He felt so old to me then, but now I see that he was just a baby. He was only 20. He has missed so, so much.
As for photography, I feel like I've been cheating or half-assing lately. I'm taking pictures every day, but there's no plan or real intention. I'm just snapping a few crappy pictures and using them for my blog. Hopefully, as I'm starting to feel better (cold being gone, depression lessening), I can get some good ones in before my 365 is up!
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