March 4, 2023 - Saturday


Today felt very busy. It's probably because I haven't cleaned my house in weeks and we had company coming over in the evening, so the whole day was spent cleaning. I mean, we didn't JUST clean because we had company coming...it really, really needed to be done. But it seemed like all of my free time today was spent cleaning, doing laundry, or meal prepping. Ben got into an increasingly bad mood throughout the day, thinking about his teaching tomorrow and we ended up arguing right before bed, which sucked. 

Megan and Trey came over for dinner and that went pretty well. I just feel so insecure because I talk SO much sometimes! And I know it's some kind of anxious response to not wanting awkward silences to happen or something. I also know that some people like this about me, that it can be a strength to make a conversation with just about anyone, BUT Ben has not liked this about me so much lately and it feels like every time we hang out with other people he tells me something negative about my conversation skills. Now I just feel uncomfortable and unlikeable every time we get together with other people. I end each of these hangouts wishing I could be different than I am; wishing I could be the type of person that just spurs people to blurt out all of their thoughts and feelings by being such a great listener; even just wishing I could keep my mouth shut and see where that goes. I spend so much time obsessing over what a fool I made of myself that it's almost making me not want to reach out to people anymore! I did talk to Ben about it and he apologized for contributing to my insecurity, but it's almost like a 'the damage is already done' kind of thing. I'm not really sure where to go from here. BUT, Round 2 tomorrow! We're having a hangout with our new neighbors in the evening, so I can make an ass of myself all over again. 

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