September 9, 2023 - Saturday


Ben and I finished up the new storage shelving in the garage and then I spent hours organizing everything and putting things away. It is SO MUCH better in there. I can actually access everything (on the left of the garage anyway) and it looks pretty decent too. We even have a parking spot for Ollie's little car! Aveen was here visiting with Jonas, but I pretty much just ignored everyone and everything and was in the garage all day. 

After that, I had yet another awkward, terrible thing I had to go to with Clemi...a birthday party! Thankfully, I knew one whole person there. Honestly though, I am thankful that I at least knew one person there and she was willing to hang out with me for most of the time. It would have been way worse without her. It went on so much longer than I wish it would have, but it was ok. The girls had a great time anyway. 

I was on Facebook today and it is Lena's son, Donnie's, birthday. Looking at the pictures, I saw a big group of fat hillbillies, with tons of food, yard games, alcohol, and half of them were smoking cigarettes. All I could think was, damn, I wish I could have been there instead of at this stupid luau. The thing is, despite my seemingly harsh judgement just a second ago, I feel like that is the kind of group I am most comfortable in! I just get really exhausted, not being able to be myself most of the time. I'm always having to be hyper-conscious of how I look and how I act and what I say. In a group like that, I can just be me. The best parts and the worst parts of me. I wouldn't feel constantly judged or like I'm being picked apart by the people around me. Sometimes I just want to be the worst version of myself. Fat, sloppy, dressed badly, cussing, being surly or whatever, and have people still like me (or neutral towards me) despite it all. Even if nobody here is actually judging me or analyzing me, I still feel like they are. It just made me miss home. 



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