June 12, 2022 - Sunday

Today is the anniversary of Gabe's death. Some years, I don't even see it coming and it just pops up suddenly, out of nowhere. This year, I was watching it get closer and closer on the calendar. In truth, it doesn't matter. It's just a date. I don't miss him more today than I did yesterday, but there's just something really sad about these anniversaries. The years have continued to march on without him, almost like he never existed at all. It would have been inconceivable at one point in my life, that he wouldn't be around. And now, it's almost unimaginable what life would be like if he were still here. But, for years, we were thick as thieves. He was my Gabey baby and he made me laugh like nobody else could. Things started changing when he was a teenager. Drugs, alcohol, and the people who partied with him took the place of his younger sister (me) and, although I felt left out and suddenly estranged from him, I didn't want to be a part of all of that. It scared me and gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I did hang out with him and his friends. The last couple of years of his short life were terrible: a slave to heroin, in and out of jail, sometimes lost to us entirely. He was often trying to get clean, but he'd be so sick that he couldn't maintain it or a "friend" would come around and he'd relapse. Loving him was painful, but how could I help but love my charismatic, beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented, and insightful big brother who felt like home to me? I'll never not love him for as long as I live and I'll never not grieve for him, at least a little. 

"The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal. To deny that loss is to deny the love."  -  C.S. Lewis