Photo Journal - Josie Boettcher

  Ollie came into my room last night around 11 and was up until 1. I did not get to sleep until then and was up before 7! I know that 6 hours really isn't that much to complain about, but my body doesn't do well with only 6 hours of sleep. I need 8. Maybe 7 1/2 will do, but I really need 8. When I put her to bed tonight, I brought her up with this pink star balloon in the picture. I told her that if she wakes me up tonight, I'm going to take that balloon, pop it, and throw it in the trash. 😬 This may have been a little harsh, but you better believe I will absolutely do just that if she gets me up. I'm so freaking over it.  Know what else I'm over? TV. Jonas is so addicted to the TV! I made him turn it off after school today and he did not argue, but, as usual, he just sat there staring around, waiting for me to tell him he can turn it back on. I told him I don't want to see him just sitting on his butt staring at the wall, so he kind of wandered around a little...

  It was a pretty busy day. A nice, slow morning, but the rest of the day was crazy. I had to get the grocery shopping done, had a doctor's appt at 1pm (just my annual), had my production meeting at 2, had to get the girls from the bus stop and then drive straight to Jonas's school to pick him up at 4. I made dinner, cleaned the house (with lots of help!), and then left at 6:30 for the middle school meeting at Main Campus. After the meeting, I headed over to HC for an hour and then home, just in time to go to bed! It was a loooooonnnnng one! The middle school meeting was good. I kind of wondered about the point of it beforehand, but it was useful and interesting information. It was also nice to see so many people that I knew who also have kids going into the middle school group. That ministry is so much more active than I imagined! And so much more active than any youth group I went to when I was that age. I'm actually just feeling super thankful that Jonas will have that s...

I worked at CT this morning. We got out of the house ok and everything was set up about 10 minutes early. I think we'll be able to get there a little later next week, since everyone helps me get stuff set up...especially Ben. He's so helpful during setup now. He does the printers and tablets now, without me having to ask or instruct. It's so nice!  Anne worked with me today and I definitely struggled a lot having her there. I got offended every time someone addressed her about an issue instead of me and I was in my head for a lot of the time, worrying about it. I know it's a pride issue and I know I need to be in prayer about it. Anne is an expert on Oasis and is extremely competent and helpful. Having her there is good for the program and that is the most important thing! Having her there might not be great for me though (honestly might not be great for her and her family either). At least until I can figure out how to humble my pride and put myself second. BUT HOW??? ...

We had our screen-free Saturday and the day went so much faster and was so much easier than last week. I laid in bed talking to Ben until a little after 8, then got straight to work on the massive amount of laundry that needs to be washed this weekend. I had some breakfast and relaxed for a bit, then got convinced to bring the girls to Target to spend some of their allowance. I haven't done that in a while, so I gave in. Ben took Jonas to Scene 75 as a treat for him doing better on his assignments in December. Of course, he's been doing almost all half-assed work in January, but we couldn't take it away from him after he already earned it.  After Target, I did some more work and read a little. We played some family games and played outside for a while, and then it was time to make dinner. I made ravioli with cream sauce and sun-dried tomato chicken sausage. Everyone loves this meal. It's so good! I let the kids have an hour of TV after dinner while me and Ben caught up ...

I went to see Anne today, for the first time in forever, and it was great to catch up with her. She ended up asking if she could volunteer for me on Sundays and I am happy to have her! BUT. There is definitely a part of me that's worried about the balance of power shifting. I think volunteers could be confused about who to talk to or go to with concerns and I can see myself getting offended if/when Anne handles things that are technically my job now. I think that this being a "potentially temporary maybe" job is starting to bother me. Now that I've been doing it for four months, I kind of just want it to be my job or not be my job. I think I need to make some time to talk to Nathan about all this stuff.  The Popes came over for dinner and it should have been an awesome time, but something is wrong with me and I just could not keep my damn mouth shut. Not really about anything specific, just me kind of being the worst. I ended up offending Ben and making myself look li...

I've gotten a full night's sleep for the last couple of nights in a row and it makes such a difference! Maybe threatening Ollie worked?? haha Or maybe she is just sleeping better lately. Who knows? But it's nice to feel a little more refreshed and ready for the day.  I had an appt. first thing this morning for UTI pain, so Ben dropped the girls off at the bus stop and took Ollie to school. I really liked not having to do that. :) But, man, I suck at peeing in a cup. Anyway, I have a UTI. Boo.  The day was pretty relaxing though. I worked for a while and then focused on my big, chocolate cake that I promised the kids for pizza and a movie night. It was delicious! I don't often want chocolate cake, but I've been craving it for a while now. I'm a little iffy on the frosting. I did a cream cheese chocolate frosting, but I kind of wish I had done a more traditional frosting. It was good, but I just am not sure I like the cream cheese with the frosting that much. I do...

I had less thoughts today. 😅 And I'm kind of relieved. I'm not feeling nearly as negative or frustrated with things right now. I worked for a few hours today, but I'm finding that it's not bothering me as much when life doesn't feel as busy in other ways. I did go to book club with Rachel last night and I hated it so much. Her work friends are not fun and I really never want to do it again, but I ALSO want to come alongside her and be another Christian in this group of non-believers that she has a heart for. We didn't even discuss the book we read! We talked about the stupid royal family forEVER and I was bored out of my mind. I couldn't care less about the royal family. Not that I'm super patriotic or anything, but I'm an American! Why would I care about the monarchy in England??? Why does anyone?  Jonas is doing a lot better and Ollie is totally better, but I'm pretty sure I have a UTI? I haven't had one in years, but all of the symptoms a...

Ollie slept through the night again, thank God, but Jonas woke me up at 5:45am acting like he was dying. It honestly scared the crap out of me. He was wheezing and really struggling to get breath. I couldn't wait to get him to the doctor and when I laid back down (b/c no appts could be made until 8), I kept having visions of him lying in a hospital bed, hooked to a ventilator. I was just so freaked out. BUT when we got to the doc, there was nothing wrong with him at all, besides a cold. It seems like he was having a panic attack, which is why he felt like he couldn't breathe. So, $20 wasted, but peace of mind gained. I guess it's a fair trade off. I feel like I'm in a bit of a better mental headspace today. Still not doing great, but maybe a little less pessimistic about the future. Work is a little less demanding this week and I've been staying home a lot, so I'm feeling less external pressure. I talked to my friend Heidi about a teensy bit of my stress and she...

I talked to Ben about some of the things I blogged about yesterday and he offered some good perspective for me. Really, it was just helpful to be reminded that this DOES happen to him too and that I'm not alone in my feelings. I'm not a horrible person or a crazy person. I also talked to Rachel and Kaitlyn at HC tonight and through talking to them about my feeling discouraged about the move and my frustration/disappointment with God, I started to realize that all of these things are likely connected. They did start right around the same time - the discontentment with life and the falling apart of my plans. I have paused my Bible reading and have barely been praying, I am confused by/angry with God, and I am struggling in my personal life. Listing it out in that way makes it pretty clear to me that they're connected AND that God is the fix...when I'm ready to come to terms with not having answers and being ok with being confused.  Ollie slept through the night last night...

How is it that I can go from being a person who shows up to everything and feels totally on top of things to being a person who feels like they can't handle their life at all? I'm just so damn exhausted. Ollie is up so much at night (7 TIMES LAST NIGHT) and I can't seem to figure out how to make it stop. Just over and over and over again, she comes into my room asking to sleep with me, complaining about being scared, whining about something imaginary happening in her room. I felt like I was going to have a complete mental breakdown last night, with Ben snoring next to me while I'm jumping out of bed repeatedly to deal with Ollie's bs. Each time I came back to bed near tears, knowing that she'd be back in soon and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It's not like she handles me saying no in a good way, either. It's literal screaming, kicking, fighting, spitting, flipping out. In the middle of the night. While everyone is asleep...except me a...

We decided to do a screen free Saturday today. The morning started with some ups and downs. Down: Ollie came into my bed at 6am (or earlier? It seemed really early). Up: Ben and I had some fun alone time. Down: Ollie had an hour-long tantrum about no TV that was infuriating. The big kids took the screen-free mandate in stride, literally just didn't care, but Ollie. She is wild. Once the tantrum was over, she did a lot better and we did let the kids watch a family movie after dinner. The idea behind it isn't really that TV is a monster, but that we spend too much time entranced by screens and not really being present in our actual lives. I don't think a movie together really takes away from that? But maybe it did. I don't know.  We spent a little time out front and brought the Solo stove out with us. We burned some branches, sat around the fire, and I took down all of the Christmas decorations, finally. I saw one of our new neighbors outside for the first time ever! I...

Last night was not better. I'm exhausted. Ollie woke up this morning and threw up in my bed and I am just SO over it all. BUT her fever is gone! Hooray! (side note: I'm drinking a glass of wine and my cup smells like mildew 😢. WHY.)  It was another day of just being home, but I was a lot more productive at least! I cleaned the whole first floor of the house, including mopping and deep cleaning the gosh dern, confounded bathroom. AND I finished a book! Lots of snuggle time and reading for me. It has its ups and downs. I had to cancel plans with Terracina, which a big down, because it's so hard to get on her schedule..., but the upside is that I got to be in pajamas for most of the day and read a whole book. Can't complain too too much about that! I'll have to cancel with the Torellis again tomorrow though. Such a bummer.  I had a brief flare of being so overwhelmingly pissed at Ben that I wanted to explode. After a day of taking care of Ollie, he happened to be play...

Oh. My. Gosh. A 6 HOUR meeting today. It was so long and I felt so bad for Ollie. I guess it was about the best timing I could have asked for, since Ollie isn't up for doing anything, burning up with fever and coughing her little head off, but still. It was long. My butt hurts so much from sitting for so many hours! Ollie has been my shadow all day though. She follows me into the kitchen, the bathroom, everywhere. Every single time I get up and move, she is right there with me...usually begging me to sit back down and snuggle.  Other than the meeting, not much else happened. I had Ollie's parent-teacher conference over the phone. She's learning and progressing normally. Nothing super interesting happening there. I guess, with our relocating plans not working out, I'm going to go ahead and enroll her at the same preschool for next year. I like it ok. I'm comfortable there and it's close, so I might as well.  It was pizza and a movie night and we watched a fun mov...

Last night went better than I expected. Ollie woke up a couple of times before midnight, but then slept solidly through until 6am. Ben got me up at 5:30 to say goodbye and I never fell back asleep, sadly. He wanted to be at work by 6 to prep for his big day ahead. He told me that he woke up at 1:30am and never fell back asleep because of his anxiety! So sad!! It was another day spent on the couch, snuggling Ollie. The poor girl was burning hot again all day and is coughing and sneezing. It's just a nasty cold, but I'm not looking forward to catching it. There's no way I'll avoid this one, I don't think. She's been coughing in my face constantly!  I'm so darn tired. Clemi did some dumb shit and I'm so disappointed in her. She bullied a Muslim friend of hers for weeks and I just have so many feelings about it and I'm trying really hard to not obsess over it. I am not going to go into it though, because I feel like I'm finally starting to put it beh...

Ollie came down sick today. How she came about getting it, I have no idea. She was burning up this morning though, so no school for her and no plans for me. I'm honestly not too mad about it at this point. I've been feeling pretty desperate to just be by myself lately and I don't know why. I obviously love my friends very much and usually also enjoy fellowship and getting out of the house, but right now I just want to stay inside and do nothing; see no one. Playdates are killing me. The thought of evangelizing is making me want to curl up in a ball and die. I just don't have anything to give right now! And I think it's ok? I know it's just a phase and it's ok to have days where I can't do anything to serve anyone aside from the people in my household, but I still feel guilty.  So, the day was spent sitting on the couch with Ollie, reading, and working for a while. I ended up putting off working for so long (because this is also something I don't want...

I needed this extra day off. It was pretty relaxing...and even a bit refreshing. Sadly, last night's sleep sucked, thanks to going to bed too late and Ollie coming in at 4:30 and then 6:30, but I've had worse. I spent a bunch of time reading and took the kids for a hike in the afternoon. I'm trying to make a push for the kids to earn their screen time with movement time again. The girls did yoga and it was ADORABLE. Jonas just sat on the floor watching them with a sneer on his face the whole time. He refused to participate. I offered him the elliptical, but it was too "boring", so he didn't do that either. He spent a while in the basement and told me he did about 10 minutes of working out...whatever that means to him. For 20 minutes of active time, they get an hour of screen time. I feel like it's pretty generous, honestly, but my kids...  I have just spoiled them with TV. That is the absolute truth. These bad habits are my fault. For many years, it felt n...

I have been SO stressed about CTO work lately. Like, struggling to fall asleep because of anxious thoughts about it racing through my mind...several times a week. I talked to Ben about it last night and I think it did help me kind of wrap my head around what I actually have power over and what I don't. I think I'm just taking responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. Like, for instance, kids having bad behavior. I can't just magically fix that. Volunteers feeling unhappy and stressed out. It's an hour and a half a month for most of them. It sucks, but that's just kind of the way it is sometimes. I need to put in effort to make things better, but I can't just make it all better because I want it to be.  This morning was a little stressful. We had a lot of call-offs and I was really worried that things were just going to be chaotic. They weren't though! The classes all seemed to go smoothly and no volunteers seemed overly upset. Sadly, Leslie t...

Well, it seems like last night well ok for the boys. Aveen says he didn't sleep great, but that he often struggles falling asleep. I wish I had known; I could have offered him a melatonin gummy! Obvs, he didn't feel comfortable coming into my room in the middle of the night to complain. He also said he was cold. 😕 It makes me really sad that he wasn't warm enough. If he stays again, I'm going to pad the cot with a big comforter, because I think it can feel chilly without having anything warm underneath of you. Today, they just kind of hung out. They seemed to have fun though. I'm glad Jonas's first sleepover was a success! Aveen's dad invited Jonas to come stay at their house soon. It has been revealed to me that Aveen's family is SUPER wealthy, so I don't doubt that Jonas will stay there and decide he never wants to come home. 😏 Our plans to have dinner with the Torellis got cancelled, thanks to my girls, who are constantly paranoid about getting ...

I finally fulfilled plans and didn't lie to cancel them today! Go me! I went to Jenny's this morning. The kids played together really well for the first hour. It was cute. :) And it's always a good time hanging out with Jenny. Afterward, Ollie and I came home for some lunch and then headed to the library. Jenny gave me this great idea to get CDs from the library to download and put onto Clemi's new MP3 player. I ended up ordering an external CD drive this morning and by the time I got back from the library with my CDs, the drive was here! For once, a project that I started was completed! And quickly! Clem was super excited and I felt really good actually getting it done.  Jonas is having a sleepover here with his friend Aveen tonight. It's going fine, but it's just a little weird to have a person staying here who doesn't talk to me. 😅 I mean, he's a kid so it's not like he's going to sit and have a conversation with me around the dinner table, b...