January 31, 2023 - Tuesday

 

Ollie came into my room last night around 11 and was up until 1. I did not get to sleep until then and was up before 7! I know that 6 hours really isn't that much to complain about, but my body doesn't do well with only 6 hours of sleep. I need 8. Maybe 7 1/2 will do, but I really need 8. When I put her to bed tonight, I brought her up with this pink star balloon in the picture. I told her that if she wakes me up tonight, I'm going to take that balloon, pop it, and throw it in the trash. 😬 This may have been a little harsh, but you better believe I will absolutely do just that if she gets me up. I'm so freaking over it. 

Know what else I'm over? TV. Jonas is so addicted to the TV! I made him turn it off after school today and he did not argue, but, as usual, he just sat there staring around, waiting for me to tell him he can turn it back on. I told him I don't want to see him just sitting on his butt staring at the wall, so he kind of wandered around a little bit. Very frustrating. And I don't ever want him to feel insecure about his body, but his weight is really concerning. There will be a lot of health issues in his future if he doesn't find an activity that he likes and get himself moving around more! We're just still in that place of, 'oh, I'd do more if you would just play with me' and while I DO get that, I also have 3 other kids and a full schedule of shit to take care of all day. But I still feel guilty, honestly. I have been way too permissive with laziness because I felt overwhelmed with life, and it was easier for me if my kids just hung out and watched TV. I have been too permissive with laziness because I couldn't make myself get out and exercise with my kid and who am I to say he has to exercise if I won't. But I'm getting to the point where I have to say, do as I say and not as I do, because his weight is getting out of control and I don't want him to have a lifelong struggle with it! 

I think I mentioned that I've been having a hard time with Anne becoming more involved with Oasis again in an earlier post. It has been a real struggle for me, but I've really been bringing it to God, praying about it a ton, and reading verses that target pride and help to convict me. It has been extremely helpful. I'm not obsessing over it at all anymore. But I kind of wanted to get to the bottom of this, because I don't think it's just pride that's bothering me about it. There is a fear there too and I think I figured it out. The truth is, I really like working for Dwell. I feel like I'm a part of something wholesome and good, something important and uplifting. If Anne takes her job back, I feel like I'm just going to be out on my ass and will have to start from scratch to try to get back in if there's ever a job opening that would be good for me. I kind of feel like they'd never hire me on my own merit, but having this CTO job might give me an in. And that's pathetic. I know it. But I think this is where a lot of my upset is coming from (in addition to my pride being hurt by every little thing). I don't want to lose what I have and never be able to get it back. 

And on that uplifting note, time for bed!