January 22, 2023 - Sunday

How is it that I can go from being a person who shows up to everything and feels totally on top of things to being a person who feels like they can't handle their life at all? I'm just so damn exhausted. Ollie is up so much at night (7 TIMES LAST NIGHT) and I can't seem to figure out how to make it stop. Just over and over and over again, she comes into my room asking to sleep with me, complaining about being scared, whining about something imaginary happening in her room. I felt like I was going to have a complete mental breakdown last night, with Ben snoring next to me while I'm jumping out of bed repeatedly to deal with Ollie's bs. Each time I came back to bed near tears, knowing that she'd be back in soon and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It's not like she handles me saying no in a good way, either. It's literal screaming, kicking, fighting, spitting, flipping out. In the middle of the night. While everyone is asleep...except me and the demon I call daughter. I'm picking up her boneless body and dragging her back to her room, where she kicks all of her covers onto the floor and screams at me. I just want to lock her door, turn off the sound machine, and get a full night's sleep for once! I offered to let her sleep in Clemi's bed and maybe even move into a room with Ruby permanently if it went well and guess what. She said, "No." I love my room. Oh. REALLY?????? THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help.

Beyond the not sleeping and dealing with Ollie (although who knows how much that's seeping into all of the other areas of my life) I feel totally burnt out by my jobs. I like them both and can't imagine quitting either, but I just don't have the freedom I like to have in my life. Jane expects me to work every afternoon and seems to want me there more often than that. I am doing Oasis work during the week and then spending 9 - 12 there every Sunday. I have one day off a week now. That's it. Every other day has work obligations and I'm just hating it so much lately. My helpful husband tells me to quit every time I bring it up. If I look too tired, he tells me to quit. If I say I have to get home in time to work, he tells me to quit. If I mention being busier than I want to be, he tells me to quit. And while it's nice to know that he will not be upset if I quit, it doesn't really help me to deal with the dilemma I feel like I'm facing. Oasis needs me and I don't want to leave them until Anne can come back and take over again. And I like my job with Jane. Ben says if I don't get a raise I should (you guessed it) quit, but I'm just enjoying the extra money and the feeling of being valuable to someone. It's true that I should probably make it a point to get some flexibility back in that role, and maybe even take a weekday off so that I can have 2 days a week without work obligations, but I don't want it to cause problems for our clients. 

I miss the friendships I had when I was younger, back when I felt like people were my friends just because they liked me and not because they felt obligated to be or that it was convenient to be friends because our kids were the same age. I miss feeling like people want me around whenever/ALL THE TIME and not just for a quick, scheduled hang out once a week. I know that phases of life change and things can't always be the way they were, but it's still sad and I'm just really missing that feeling of acceptance and belonging. I do get that from Ben, but there is so much more to a marriage than friendship and all of those other facets make friendship with a spouse complicated and difficult. It's just crazy to me that just a couple of weeks ago I blogged about being so thankful for my amazing friendships and now I'm complaining as if I have no real friends. I KNOW that I do. What is wrong with me??

There's really so much more that I'm struggling with, honestly. Tired and burnt out don't even scratch  the surface of how done I am with everything right now. I really, honestly want to know, is there something wrong with me?? Do other people struggle this much with consistency? Do other people go from being super grateful/obsessed with their spouse to wanting to run away and never come back as quickly as I do? I feel really alone and, even worse, I feel like a capricious person who can't be depended on. *shudder* I feel like a bad person. I just want my mojo back! Where did December's Josie go??