January 19, 2024 - Friday


This day ended up being a doozie. I've never written that word before. It looks really weird. Anyway, a very emotional and frustrating day for me. The school morning went well and Ben asked if we could take the kids sledding in the afternoon. I knew the kids would be so excited! So, of course, I agreed. Then, he asked if we should invite Kwin, because Hilliard schools had a snow day. I also agreed that this was the right thing to do, although everything in me hated the idea. 

...I think I need to just take a moment to try and explain some of my feelings towards Kwin and Ashley. I DO NOT hate them. They have done nothing terribly wrong. They are decent, kind, helpful people, but I disagree with a few things about their lifestyle. Some of those things are easy for me to dismiss - anti-vaccine, conspiracy theorist, pro-Trump. One thing has been a little harder for me to dismiss and that's weed. I know that weed is not some terrible drug. And they are old enough that I very much doubt it's any kind of "gateway drug" for them. I have issues with it for two reasons: 1. I don't like being around people who are high. I feel on edge and irrationally afraid almost the whole time. I feel like a loser and like I'm on the outside too. I'm assuming almost all of these feelings are leftovers from a childhood/young adulthood being surrounded by addicts and all of the negative experiences I had then. 2. I don't want Ben to be tempted to use weed recreationally. He has reassured me several times that there is nothing tempting to him about their lifestyle, and, while I want to believe him, I feel scared....

I ended up freaking out on Ben, screaming at him, telling him he was judging me when he wasn't, and exploding into tears. Sledding ended up being fine. We all had a good time, and I wasn't bothered by Kwin at all. The kids all had such a blast! Afterward, we came home, drank hot chocolate, and watched a movie. It definitely gave us a weekend vibe! I loved that. Sadly, things fell apart. Ruby screamed for most of the day about lots of different things, Ollie had multiple temper tantrums and then one of those tantrums resulted in her punching me in the face. I was so done by bed time. I cried for so long and just wanted to give up on it all. The night ended a little better. I was relaxed, we watched a couple of funny shows, and I drank a cider. I'm glad it's the weekend. 





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