September 18, 2024 - Wednesday

It's hump day! But, since it's the first day of the week we've actually been able to sit and do school work, it kind of feels like a Monday or, like, a catch up and cram everything in that I can day. And that is what we did! We crammed as much school work into the first half of the day as possible. 

The truth is, I'm only blogging right now because I need to vent. I am so frustrated with Ben!! I don't know what to do. I'm getting to the point where I just want to pack up and get away from him for a while, which let's me know it may be time to talk to him soon. I've done that before and it was really unfair! It's not just his horrible moods and the fact that he explodes on the kids all the time without warning. It's not even that we got into our fight last week when he exploded on me over what felt like literally nothing, screaming and cussing at me in the Walmart parking lot. It's more about the fact that we are not on the same page at all. In June, we were as close as we've ever been. We both knew what the Lord was communicating to us and were excited to move towards that goal and one another. Now, I can barely reach him. I don't know where he is. Spiritually, he is distant. He doesn't want to pray or talk about God and definitely has no interest in attending anything, anywhere. Of course, he won't speak to Alex or any Christian friend about what's going on. He told me that he was spiritually mature enough to handle a move, initially, but he's not even spiritually mature enough to handle a pre-move! Wtf are we going to do??? It feels like he just wants to walk away from it all, which would fulfill one of my biggest fears I had before we got married...that I'd be carrying the full weight of the spiritual responsibility for my family. Aside from his spirituality, which is incredibly concerning to me, he is constantly stressed about work (freaking SNORE!) and cannot live as if there is more to life right now. He is working every day after he gets home from work and logs back on at 7am each morning. I'm very annoyed about that. But I'm also really bothered by his attitude towards our future. The fact that he feels no obligation to ever do what he says he's going to do is really tough for me. How is it that I married a man who has no damn integrity?? He keeps saying that he has the right to change his mind at any time. And, while he does have the "right", his mind changes don't only affect him. So, does that mean that if he changes his mind, then I'm just trapped following his whim of the day? He just can't stick to his word! He tells me and the kids things all the time now that he just does not follow through on. BUT he's been picking a bunch of fights with me, criticizing the way that I do things! That I don't do enough around the house, that I'm not a good enough homeschool teacher, that I'm not doing enough as a parent. I am becoming entirely fed up and it's making it tough to get through days in any kind of decent mood. I have to pull myself together!

This afternoon will be a crazy one. We have choir practice at 4, then need to cram in dinner, then small group at 6:30 and Jonas's guitar practice at 7. Ben has been telling me for two weeks he'd be coming to small group with me tonight, but I really do not think that is going to happen! I'm not even going to ask him about it. 

Oh, I finished editing the woodsy ghosts picture I took in Maine! Since I didn't take any other photos yet, I'll post it on here.