August 23, 2023 - Wednesday

Today was a great day with the kids. School went awesome, we headed out for a play date mid-morning, and then got back to a productive school day. It was a lot of fun! I actually did lose my temper a few times, which isn't typical for me lately. I felt pretty frustrated with myself for being so short, but nobody seems to hold it against me too much. 

Ben and I were "fighting" earlier, which could have contributed to my bad mood. Really, he just hasn't been speaking to me since last night. I should report this in the past tense, because we're mostly made up now. But it was very stressful. I knew he was furious at me, but I really couldn't figure out what the huge deal was. It turns out, it made him incredibly angry that I didn't believe something he said to me while we were fighting. We talked through it. I think things will be okay, but I need to work on giving him the benefit of the doubt more often and potentially trusting my gut a little less often. Feels impossible? But I'm going to try. I'm distrustful of other people and that's just a fact. I believe that there is no person on this earth who puts me first and I'm not asking them to! But when people CLAIM to be doing that, it's just very difficult for me to believe. I also hate the thought of being blindsided by a betrayal and if you never fully trust people, you can never be fully blindsided. It's just leftovers of a traumatic upbringing, I'm assuming, but it hurts Ben and I don't know what to do about it, so I guess I'll just pray. 

I made a very elaborate dinner of chicken tikka masala (marinated since last night), homemade naan, and garlic butter jasmine rice. Let me tell you: it was amazing. All of my kids like Indian food, so it was a big hit. I should try making it with tofu sometime and see if the girls are willing to eat that protein, since they won't touch the chicken...just the sauce. Or I could try saag paneer, which is delicious and vegetarian. But Ben doesn't like it, so that's a downside. I also really like to make this delicious potato curry, but the girls tend to not like potatoes and it's pretty spicy. And I lost the recipe. Anyway, I can stop brainstorming on here and switch that over to my head. 

I let the kids get in the pool this evening, just because it felt good outside and they've been inside all day. I also cut Ben's hair and he's upset that it's too short. I'm thinking about shaving mine off. It's getting so thin and it's making me so sad. I just don't even know what to do about it. I also feel like I'm drained of energy and bloated so...basically hating myself the last few days. Who knows? Maybe this is just another fun hormonal swing! WheeeeeEEEeeee!!!