February 3, 2023 - Friday


I got together with Jenny this morning and then went to have lunch with Terracina. Both were good visits. I haven't done much visiting lately, but I'm glad I'm getting past some of those feelings of not wanting to do anything. I feel like I'm pushing myself toward a change that I'm not 100% sure I even want, work-wise. I've been really content to just be a stay at home mom for many years. Why have I been working so much? Why am I always keeping my ear out for new jobs? What is it that I really want? The truth is, I don't enjoy being home with Ollie as much as I liked being home with my other kids. She is needy in a way that most of them weren't. All day long, Ollie wants attention from me. And I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm glad that we're close and that she loves me and wants me to do things with her, but at the same time, I feel ready to do more things for me. That sounds awful, I know. I'm not sure what will come of it. I'm going to try to remember to be praying about what God wants for me and not just what I want for myself. I think there's also a freedom to working when you know you don't have to. Like, I could quit whenever I wanted and it would be perfectly fine. I can just do this because I want to, and not because I have to. Before Jonas, when I worked full-time last, it was NOT that way. It was like, we depend on this money and if I quit, I'm not sure how we'll get by. 

Ben went to play in a Magic the Gathering tournament tonight. He'll probably be gone until 1 or 2am. I'm really glad he went though. He doesn't often go out and do things with friends. I kept the bigger kids up late, made popcorn, and watched a movie with them, while I worked on preparing stuff for the Oasis bulletin board. I ended up spending four hours getting things ready, since I had to design, print, laminate, and cut out all of my own letters, in addition to the stuff I had to do that I've been putting off for a while. I did not put this time on my time sheet. I felt really torn about it, honestly. I'm only supposed to work 4-6 hours a week in this position, but most weeks, I'm at 8-10. And this week will be even more. I just donated my time and my resources: printer ink, paper, laminator, even though I kind of wish I was getting paid for it because it was not fun. 



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