January 6, 2025 - Monday



Ben has been hovering around me like a worried mama hen all day. It's just depression, for goodness' sake. I spent most of the morning reading, but at one point I encouraged the kids to start working on their chores. The only person who complied was Jonas, while the girls LITERALLY completely ignored me. I tried to just brush it off like I might have done on any other day, but I'm SO freaking SICK of being ignored and disrespected by my kids! I kind of freaked out and called all of the girls self-centered assholes and stressed that punishments were going to come if they didn't start to work on their chores...and not in a half-assed way! Clem continued to just stand there and argue, so I counted and counted, and before she knew it, Clem had lost all screen privileges today and tomorrow and has to go to bed early tonight. She is not happy. And neither am I. Later on, Ollie completely ignored me AGAIN when I directly asked her not to do something. She just looked at me and then went ahead and did it anyway! She earned an early bedtime tonight too. Ben is now treating me like I'm entirely unstable. I'm just sick of the bullcrap. They're old enough to do better and I'm not in the mood to play these games. 

I'm feeling so, entirely done with it all. I'm not sure what I can do about it, but I'm so done! I don't want to be a parent or a wife anymore. Ben keeps encouraging me to remember that it's my depression talking, not how I really feel. It's just so hard when I'm down to think about it that way. I'm even to the point where I don't want to homeschool anymore. I've enjoyed it so much and it makes me feel really sad to even let that thought enter my head! But dang. I could just sit alone all day long. 

I ended up skipping HC tonight. It snowed a few inches today and I rode out to pick up food in the evening. The roads our way were still really bad. I was slipping around everywhere I went. Very stressful! I just didn't want to drive 35 minutes in that crap, just to hang out in an awkward situation that I'm already dreading. I don't know if Ben was planning to come with me or not. He just didn't say anything. I think he's relieved. 




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

May 3, 2025 - Saturday

Image
What a day! It literally rained from start to finish, but we packed as much into it as we possibly could! We had a great time visiting and hanging out. We had a fire and lots of great meals *brushes shoulder off*. The kids played well together and, as far as I know, there wasn't any drama! It was a bit exhausting, but I'm so glad that this retreat went well. Last year's was a bit of a bomb, with all the childcare drama happening behind the scenes. I feel like last year's retreat was a pre-cursor to our deciding to move away. Not that they actually had anything to do with one another, but they happened in such close succession that they seem related in retrospect. I drank a bit too much tonight and had a really fun time singing songs, while Tony played the guitar. Man, I wish I had talent with instruments!
Read more

November 9, 2025 - Sunday

Image
This is my favorite picture from the whole shoot!! I love it.  We went to CT this morning and I actually got to sit in on the teaching! Woo! It feels like that doesn't happen very often. We hung out in the cafe with friends for a little bit, then went to Chipotle for lunch on the way home.  We spent most of the day just relaxing! I started a photo book for our Maine vaca in September, and tried to get caught up with some other stuff, but it was mostly just a chill day. Jonas and Clem went to group and we stayed home, chillin'. Ben and I got in the hot tub with Ruby and Ollie for a little while, which was fun. It was snowing while we were in there!  
Read more

November 24, 2025 - Monday

Image
Today was a very rough day for me. It's not like everything went wrong, I just really struggled to manage my emotions. I had to run out, first thing, to get my pick-up order because there were things in it that we needed for breakfast. Then, somehow, we didn't get school started until almost 9:30. I started with Ruby and Ollie, as usual, and decided to check in with Ollie while I was reading. Okay, related side note, Ruby can't stand it when I ask Ollie questions and not her. But the thing is, Ruby remembers EVERYTHING she hears. She learns super well by just plain old listening. If I ask her questions, she answers them correctly and I never get to gauge whether or not Ollie is learning. She also always blurts out answers because she's so afraid I won't give her an opportunity to show us all how much she is learning. And I get it! She wants praise and to show me that she's a good student and she's learning. I understand. But, because of her constant eagernes...
Read more